Housewarming T-Shirts

"They drown out all the neighbors' chimes."

'It's good to see that you have a smoke detector...'

Live, laugh, love

Fire Alarm

"But I hate su casa."

"Honey, the Malcontents are here."

"Whoa, someone's been doing some gathering."

"I can't remember whether I left the toilet seat up last night."

'Fine, we'll get an air conditioner.'

'I like you, you remind me of someone.'

Skimming out star reflections

"I can't find that much hair in a drain and not see stress issues."

'Love your renovations.'

"...it's difficult to assemble - we'll let the customers do it."

'The snake and plunger didn't work, so I'm going in...'

'I gotta hand it to you, Conway. It takes a genius like you to figure out how to get an 8-foot-long table through a 3-foot-wide door!'

Solar-Powered Catnap

Over 50 shades of grey available.

"I said to myself, 'Maybe I can't change the world, but I can remodel my bathroom.' "

Man with self-assembly wardrobe and lots of random pieces: 'Funny how there always seems to be a few bits left over.'

'I'm willing to relocate.'

"A bunch of friends are coming over to stare at their phones."

"We're decluttering."

'A square knot's a good start, but I'd like to see an alarm system and some deadbolts installed as well,'

'We're slowly disappearing, Marty. Shouldn't we do something?'

Watching TV through window - "You should have measured the doorway first."

Man drills a hole floor to let leak from ceiling into funnel.

'I'm presuming by the amount of rent you're asking for, it includes a full-time butler, maid and gardening staff!'

'MY husband made the coffee table out of an old door.'

"Remember when all we had was lots of little pillows?"

Ceiling Paint

"Brutus! Attack with reasonable force!"

'This infestation is far more serious than I was anticipating.'

'I told you nylon carpets were a mistake.'

'Don't wait too long to decide. A house with a view like this can go at any minute....'