Housewarming Mugs

"They drown out all the neighbors' chimes."

'It's good to see that you have a smoke detector...'

Live, laugh, love

Fire Alarm

"But I hate su casa."

"Whoa, someone's been doing some gathering."

"Honey, the Malcontents are here."

'Fine, we'll get an air conditioner.'

'I like you, you remind me of someone.'

"I can't find that much hair in a drain and not see stress issues."

'Love your renovations.'

Skimming out star reflections

"...it's difficult to assemble - we'll let the customers do it."

Solar-Powered Catnap

"I said to myself, 'Maybe I can't change the world, but I can remodel my bathroom.' "

Man with self-assembly wardrobe and lots of random pieces: 'Funny how there always seems to be a few bits left over.'

"A bunch of friends are coming over to stare at their phones."

'I'm willing to relocate.'

"We're decluttering."

Watching TV through window - "You should have measured the doorway first."

'We're slowly disappearing, Marty. Shouldn't we do something?'

'A square knot's a good start, but I'd like to see an alarm system and some deadbolts installed as well,'

Man drills a hole floor to let leak from ceiling into funnel.

"Remember when all we had was lots of little pillows?"

Ceiling Paint

'MY husband made the coffee table out of an old door.'

'I told you nylon carpets were a mistake.'

'Don't wait too long to decide. A house with a view like this can go at any minute....'

'I'm presuming by the amount of rent you're asking for, it includes a full-time butler, maid and gardening staff!'

"Brutus! Attack with reasonable force!"

'This is our home's communications center.'

'Relax! It's you!'

"I'd like you to meet my pillows."

The Great Drywall of Sheboygan.

"...there's honey all over the walls, a weird buzzing noise 24 hours a day and some weird broad at the end of the hall thinks she's the queen!"