Hospital Team Player Gifts

'Annnnnd....CUT!' Team of doctors pumping themselves up.

'Honey, I wish you wouldn't bring your work home with you!'

"You may have been the victim of a mis-sold PFI contract."

He was different from the other doctors. For one thing, he refused to play God.

Dancing Doctor

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

"Unfortunately, there's no cure—there's not even a race for a cure."

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

Kid with plaster cast being sawn off.

'What's holding him up?'

"Your test results are in...now the interpretations can begin."

'Could you be more specific than you feel zucky?'

"You're sick of this? Just try to imagine how we feel."

Doctor receiving advice from patient's mother

'The doctor will be with you shortly, he's finishing medical school.'

"...we have a heart-lung-kidney-liver-spleen machine."

'I thought my appointment was for a TB screening.'

"I'm sure he'll pull through. He's always been a real fighter."

'Your doing GREAT! Tomorrow you should be able to eat hospital food!'

"I expect a speedy recovery,"

"It appears your anus transplant has rejected you..."

"I told you, Doctor! There's nothing in here!"

Medical Examinations.

"Which one goes down his bronchial tract and which one goes up his arse?"

'...but besides this, how are you doing?'

'Very funny!'

'Is that guy back again? Hey, if you find that sponge I lost, give a shout.'

"Dr. Eliot, would you let the dog out?"

"I came here to be treated - not flattered!"

"You call all this a side effect?"

'If it don't hurt, don't mess with it!'

"First, do no harm. After that, go nuts."

Surgery has sign on wall saying 'To Err is Human.'

"They also left a pamphlet on the benefits of breast feeding."

'We're trying to use a team approach to medicine, but we're having trouble fitting everyone!'