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"Cardiac day patients?"

Hospital Departments

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

'The dripping keeps me awake!'

'The good news is that it's not your fault.'

Medicare: More is Better!

"Most of our procedures are out of network."

'I'm sorry, but I can't tell you which room the star basketball player is recovering in.'

"To cross street, push button, wait for walk signal, wait, wait some more."

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

Woman and scales.

"I am just going outside to find an NHS dentist and may be some time."

Doctor sits near work boxes labelled; 'NHS' and 'Private'.

"I just hope that when your mother is as old as I am you'll be able to help figure out Medicare Part D."

"The doctor recommends payment in advance. A person in your condition doesn't need to be worried about bills."

"I don't see the doctor anymore because I'd have to hire some kid to set up the patient portal."

'I'm from the temp agency, who are you?'

"Recovery involves elements of faith. So let's pray my billing service, this hospital and your insurance provider all work smoothly together."

'I can't take off my clothes - I'm Missouri Synod Lutheran!'

"I don't care what it says on the 'chocoholics' website I'm not able to prescribe chocolate mini eggs on the NHS."

Medical floor directory follows body parts.

'He can't refer you to me... I referred you to him.'

"You need to see a specialer. They're like specialists, but less so."

"I'm getting the hang of the patient portal. It reminded me to refill my beta blocker, but I keep getting ads. Can you prescribe a good pop-up blocker too?"

'You must be one of Billy Covey's teachers.'

"Actually, what doesn't kill you just raises the cost of everyone's insurance"

GPs to be required to offer appointments in advance.

"You know you're getting old when you can find your way around all the local hospitals blindfolded."

'You need the wisdom of the ages to understand Medicare Part D.'

'Oh no, not you again,'

'His insurance company said it does not cover self-inflicted accidents.'

"Your tests are back. We've ruled out anything covered by your HMO."

"Don't you have any regular doctors?"

'I never know which side to start on.'

Hospital bed shortages