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"I just made a health insurance payment...for the whole year! And now my head hurts."

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

'The dripping keeps me awake!'

Hospital Departments

'The good news is that it's not your fault.'

'You're allergic to feathers.'

"Cardiac day patients?"

Medicare: More is Better!

"Most of our procedures are out of network."

Woman and scales.

Doctor sits near work boxes labelled; 'NHS' and 'Private'.

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

"I am just going outside to find an NHS dentist and may be some time."

'Only one side effect - colossal pain...'

"I just hope that when your mother is as old as I am you'll be able to help figure out Medicare Part D."

"I don't see the doctor anymore because I'd have to hire some kid to set up the patient portal."

"Recovery involves elements of faith. So let's pray my billing service, this hospital and your insurance provider all work smoothly together."

'I can't take off my clothes - I'm Missouri Synod Lutheran!'

"I don't care what it says on the 'chocoholics' website I'm not able to prescribe chocolate mini eggs on the NHS."

'He can't refer you to me... I referred you to him.'

"You need to see a specialer. They're like specialists, but less so."

"I'm getting the hang of the patient portal. It reminded me to refill my beta blocker, but I keep getting ads. Can you prescribe a good pop-up blocker too?"

'You must be one of Billy Covey's teachers.'

"I have the results of your PET scan and your CT scan. You are not claustrophobic."

Carcinogenic/Non-carcinogenic.

"You know you're getting old when you can find your way around all the local hospitals blindfolded."

GPs to be required to offer appointments in advance.

'Oh no, not you again,'

'You need the wisdom of the ages to understand Medicare Part D.'

"Your tests are back. We've ruled out anything covered by your HMO."

"Don't you have any regular doctors?"

'I never know which side to start on.'

Hospital bed shortages

"Does anyone know CPR?"

Doctor's Office. I don't know which I hate more to hear him say --- "Learn to live with it" or "Learn to live without it."