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"I never imagined I'd be up on my feet this soon."

'Let's order one more MRI, just to play it safe.'

"If it's any consolation, he seemed like a bit of a jerk."

'Now turn your head to the left and cough up your medical card.'

'There's been a little mixup, Mr. Root. The computer has the virus not you.'

'How come I got a baboon liver and pig kidney, and he got a baboon kidney and pig liver?'

'We don't make mistakes in this hospital, Mr Adams,,,' - 'My name is Wiliams'

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

"She fell down stairs again, so this is her third hip."

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'What's holding him up?'

'I do need your bed, Mr. Davies, for me, I'm shattered after working twenty-six hours non stop.'

'Long shift?'

Mr. Evers specifically asked for a plain coffee, not an espresso.

"I can't stay in this hospital bed too long. Everyone will think I'm too old...too fragile...ready for the home. I'm not ready for that!"

"The doctor was more lucid today! That's a good sign!"

Doctor receiving advice from patient's mother

'You can tell your grandkids, you rode the most expensive vehicle on Earth!'

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

'Looks like Shelia has overdone it with the cream scones this week!'

'Your doing GREAT! Tomorrow you should be able to eat hospital food!'

"I don't know how to tell you this, but it looks like you have a brain the size of a walnut."

'It's your four basic food groups.'

'I'm a practical nurse! -- I know better than to listen to doctors!'

'Hi, I'm Dr.Jones. Sorry about my little prank, but it saves us a fortune in enemas.'

Diet Books: Fiction/Non-Fiction

'You'll be awake during the entire procedure...but no peeking!'

Ed finally had to admit that his body was less of a temple and more of a worn-out parish church with a bouncy castle out front.

'Urology...can you hold?'

Pay Hospital Bill Here.

"I think you may have your gown on back to front."

"Let's just start cutting and see what happens."

Doctor to overweight patient: 'I assure you, stomach stapling is quite routine these days.'

"According to the chart you've either stabilised or flatlined."