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'Only one side effect - colossal pain...'

"I have the results of your PET scan and your CT scan. You are not claustrophobic."

Bob's other midlife crisis: 'Warning: Hormone replacement meds haven't kicked in yet.'

"I had a terrible time finding a doctor that still makes house calls!"

'I still haven't built up a tolerance for medical co-payments.'

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

"We're keeping you overnight because the nurses love you!"

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

"I never imagined I'd be up on my feet this soon."

'I can explain the Theory of Relativity, but I can't figure out which is the best Medicare Plan.'

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

'The good news is that it's not your fault.'

'Looks like Shelia has overdone it with the cream scones this week!'

Diet Books: Fiction/Non-Fiction

Ed finally had to admit that his body was less of a temple and more of a worn-out parish church with a bouncy castle out front.

Doctor to overweight patient: 'I assure you, stomach stapling is quite routine these days.'

'There, we're up and running! Let the logging in begin. . .'

"I'd consider taking out this appendix you'renot using and greatly expanding your kidney area."

Medicare: More is Better!

'I'm sorry, but I can't tell you which room the star basketball player is recovering in.'

"Most of our procedures are out of network."

Doctor sits near work boxes labelled; 'NHS' and 'Private'.

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

A man's health care options.

'There's been a little mixup, Mr. Root. The computer has the virus not you.'

Sir, we have plenty of fine herbal tea for you to sample...but you're drinking the potpourri.

"I've been using the latest home tech and apps to monitor my health....And after feeding the results into some online medical sites I discovered I was dead!"

No. 83 In A Series OF Extraordinary Unlikely Events.

"I don't see the doctor anymore because I'd have to hire some kid to set up the patient portal."

''Why, I feel as light as a feather,' thought Shirley, 'I don't think I'll go on that diet, after all!'

Health costs soaring in the U.S., Americans are going to other countries for medical care.

'Let's order one more MRI, just to play it safe.'

'It was cheaper and less painful than a Gastric Band procedure...'

'He can't refer you to me... I referred you to him.'