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'Only one side effect - colossal pain...'

"I have the results of your PET scan and your CT scan. You are not claustrophobic."

Bob's other midlife crisis: 'Warning: Hormone replacement meds haven't kicked in yet.'

"I had a terrible time finding a doctor that still makes house calls!"

'I still haven't built up a tolerance for medical co-payments.'

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

"We're keeping you overnight because the nurses love you!"

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

"I never imagined I'd be up on my feet this soon."

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

'Looks like Shelia has overdone it with the cream scones this week!'

'The good news is that it's not your fault.'

Diet Books: Fiction/Non-Fiction

Ed finally had to admit that his body was less of a temple and more of a worn-out parish church with a bouncy castle out front.

Doctor to overweight patient: 'I assure you, stomach stapling is quite routine these days.'

'There, we're up and running! Let the logging in begin. . .'

Medicare: More is Better!

"Most of our procedures are out of network."

'I'm sorry, but I can't tell you which room the star basketball player is recovering in.'

Doctor sits near work boxes labelled; 'NHS' and 'Private'.

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

A man's health care options.

No. 83 In A Series OF Extraordinary Unlikely Events.

'There's been a little mixup, Mr. Root. The computer has the virus not you.'

Sir, we have plenty of fine herbal tea for you to sample...but you're drinking the potpourri.

"I've been using the latest home tech and apps to monitor my health....And after feeding the results into some online medical sites I discovered I was dead!"

''Why, I feel as light as a feather,' thought Shirley, 'I don't think I'll go on that diet, after all!'

"I don't see the doctor anymore because I'd have to hire some kid to set up the patient portal."

'Let's order one more MRI, just to play it safe.'

'He can't refer you to me... I referred you to him.'

'It was cheaper and less painful than a Gastric Band procedure...'

"You need to see a specialer. They're like specialists, but less so."

"I'm getting the hang of the patient portal. It reminded me to refill my beta blocker, but I keep getting ads. Can you prescribe a good pop-up blocker too?"

'I take it this wasn't quite the outcome you were expecting from your 'spot reduction diet'?'