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'I can explain the Theory of Relativity, but I can't figure out which is the best Medicare Plan.'

'There, we're up and running! Let the logging in begin. . .'

"He gave me a complete checkup form head to wallet."

'But he qualifies for medicare in dog years.'

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

Diet Books: Fiction/Non-Fiction

Doctor to overweight patient: 'I assure you, stomach stapling is quite routine these days.'

'You're allergic to feathers.'

"I'd consider taking out this appendix you'renot using and greatly expanding your kidney area."

'Yes,I do have a question.. What kind of dental plan do you have?'

Medicare: More is Better!

Doctor sits near work boxes labelled; 'NHS' and 'Private'.

'Only one side effect - colossal pain...'

A man's health care options.

"I've been using the latest home tech and apps to monitor my health....And after feeding the results into some online medical sites I discovered I was dead!"

''Why, I feel as light as a feather,' thought Shirley, 'I don't think I'll go on that diet, after all!'

"He's had several billing procedures named after him."

Medicaid Expansion: "Better not take the risk, you never know when the well's going to run dry..."

Akron, oh, you're on Ask Sadie. What's your problem?! I'm thinking of not signing up for health insurance this year. Good idea. In my day, there was no such thing as health insurance. If you got sick, you paid for it with either money or chickens. That's if you were a lily-livered coward who just had to see a doctor. When great-great-grandmother Cohen had her sixth heart attack, she just applied a poultice made of chestnut leaves and flour and kept on plowing.

Health costs soaring in the U.S., Americans are going to other countries for medical care.

'It was cheaper and less painful than a Gastric Band procedure...'

"I'm getting the hang of the patient portal. It reminded me to refill my beta blocker, but I keep getting ads. Can you prescribe a good pop-up blocker too?"

"I have the results of your PET scan and your CT scan. You are not claustrophobic."

'Has the medication had any other side effects?'

'Is there any way I can keep on all this weight and still enter the Pro Football Hall of Fame?'

'There's really no need for confusion with this Medicare stuff. Page 95, section 33, paragraph L in the instructions quite clearly says ... '

'We're going to need a specialist. To help fill in the insurance form.'

'The bad news is, during open enrollment we get to choose between our uncaring, inconvenient plan or another one that's just as bad or worse.'

"I stay awake all night worrying about my insomnia, doctor!"

'Who wants to live longer if you have to live without cookies.'

"I'm dating an MRI technician."

I can't handle too much change so I'm reading a four-year-old magazine while waiting for my telemedicine appointment.

'I have two colds. I'm taking aspirin for one, and hot tea with whisky for the other.'

The Plot To Fatten America Into Submission