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'There, we're up and running! Let the logging in begin. . .'

"He gave me a complete checkup form head to wallet."

'But he qualifies for medicare in dog years.'

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

Diet Books: Fiction/Non-Fiction

Doctor to overweight patient: 'I assure you, stomach stapling is quite routine these days.'

'You're allergic to feathers.'

'Yes,I do have a question.. What kind of dental plan do you have?'

Medicare: More is Better!

Doctor sits near work boxes labelled; 'NHS' and 'Private'.

A man's health care options.

'Only one side effect - colossal pain...'

"I've been using the latest home tech and apps to monitor my health....And after feeding the results into some online medical sites I discovered I was dead!"

Medicaid Expansion: "Better not take the risk, you never know when the well's going to run dry..."

"He's had several billing procedures named after him."

''Why, I feel as light as a feather,' thought Shirley, 'I don't think I'll go on that diet, after all!'

'It was cheaper and less painful than a Gastric Band procedure...'

"I'm getting the hang of the patient portal. It reminded me to refill my beta blocker, but I keep getting ads. Can you prescribe a good pop-up blocker too?"

"I have the results of your PET scan and your CT scan. You are not claustrophobic."

'Has the medication had any other side effects?'

'Is there any way I can keep on all this weight and still enter the Pro Football Hall of Fame?'

'There's really no need for confusion with this Medicare stuff. Page 95, section 33, paragraph L in the instructions quite clearly says ... '

'We're going to need a specialist. To help fill in the insurance form.'

'The bad news is, during open enrollment we get to choose between our uncaring, inconvenient plan or another one that's just as bad or worse.'

'I have two colds. I'm taking aspirin for one, and hot tea with whisky for the other.'

"I stay awake all night worrying about my insomnia, doctor!"

"I'm dating an MRI technician."

'Who wants to live longer if you have to live without cookies.'

"The doctor is a little squeamish, so don't mention anything gross."

"Yes, it is a very large bill. Unfortunately, the doctor who gave you a second opinion charges ten times what I do."

"The police want to ask you a few questions about where you get such good health insurance at such an affordable rate."