Hospital Joke Collector Gifts

"Pay attention, 'switch it off switch it on again' does not apply to the life support machines."

"It will be okay to hop when you go home but don't try to run."

'OK, the old one's in my right hand, the donor's in my left. Rght?'

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

Lactose Intolerant

"We're keeping you overnight because the nurses love you!"

Swiss army hospital...'scalpel...'

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

'It's nothing that a few stem cells and 75 years of research can't fix.'

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

'Sorry, staff shortage.'

An organ flies across the room during an operation - 'Catch it...!'

"Nurse, when I asked you to make the patient more comfortable I just meant plump up his pillows!"

'The doctors all tell me that you have great medical insurance. They think your coverage might last through most of the tests that they have scheduled.'

STRIP Hambone: Businessman in hospital with his computer

'Did you remove my appendix? Yes, both of them.'

"I never imagined I'd be up on my feet this soon."

'You seem quieter tonight. Did they give you something to help you relax?'

'I only got up for a drink of water, and a queue's formed next to my bed.'

'I'm afraid it's bad news Mr.Hooper, I've just got the report on your finances.'

'Veins...arteries...I told you I can never tell one from another.'

"Grandmother, what big diastolic numbers you have."

'Yeah, bit how does the stork get into the maternity room?'

"I didn't see the coffee table in the middle of the room, due to my visual impairment, caused by the rubbish light emitted by the government approved 150 watt energy saving bulb in my apartment..."

'Well I haven't had a chance to review all your readings in depth, but if I were to be forced to make an educated guess I'd say that your were knackered!'

"It says you need a CT scan and that the azaleas in the corner need to be watered twice daily."

While you're at it, will you sew on my shirt button please?

'I know my instruments are sterilized every day but I have no idea who does it.'

'I'm a practical nurse! -- I know better than to listen to doctors!'

"His wife and family will decide on the course of treatment, but, as his ex, feel free to open up a few old wounds."

"Your sins are forgiven, but not your co-pay."

Jelly I.V.

'Hey, this guy's been operated on before!'

'What's for desert?'

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."