Hospital Happenings Gifts

"When you awake you will feel fine, you will have no pain, and... Oh, what the hell... you will cluck like a chicken for ten seconds."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"She fell down stairs again, so this is her third hip."

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

No caption. (Man wearing a cast is in traction. He imagines sheep lining up to jump fence. Sheep also wear casts.)

Nurse pushing the Grim Reaper out of the Surgery room.

"I hope you don't mind - I'm training a brand-new assistant and I've asked her to check your blood pressure."

'I do need your bed, Mr. Davies, for me, I'm shattered after working twenty-six hours non stop.'

'What's holding him up?'

"I can't stay in this hospital bed too long. Everyone will think I'm too old...too fragile...ready for the home. I'm not ready for that!"

Being Serenading in Casualty

Mr. Evers specifically asked for a plain coffee, not an espresso.

'Thanks, but I don't expect you to chew my food for me.'

"I never imagined I'd be up on my feet this soon."

"We'll have someone to help you as soon as we've recruited and trained them. Shouldn't be more than 5 or 6 years!"

"The doctor was more lucid today! That's a good sign!"

Doctor receiving advice from patient's mother

"Turn your head and cough."

"It will be okay to hop when you go home but don't try to run."

'Your doing GREAT! Tomorrow you should be able to eat hospital food!'

'It's your four basic food groups.'

'I'm a practical nurse! -- I know better than to listen to doctors!'

'Hi, I'm Dr.Jones. Sorry about my little prank, but it saves us a fortune in enemas.'

'You'll be awake during the entire procedure...but no peeking!'

Thank you to our awesome NHS staff

'Urology...can you hold?'

Pay Hospital Bill Here.

'How the heck could we lose a $14,000 pacemaker?!'

"I think you may have your gown on back to front."

"Let's just start cutting and see what happens."

'I'm afraid we don't deliver on Sundays.'

'Thanks for inviting me to dinner - it's really great!'

We charge $500 for every nook and $1,200 for every cranny during diagnosis.

"The doctor will now glance in passing at you."

'Doctor, the patient would like to know when he can return to being an overbearing, stressed-out pig?'