Hospital Commentator Gifts

'Intensive and or expensive care?'

'You're in good condition. You should be able to stand up to hospital conditions.'

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

"We're keeping you overnight because the nurses love you!"

"Chaplain, the lord should put warning labels on some of his creations."

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

'But they told me to take her down to theatre...'

Robodoc... the NHS surgeon of the future.

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

"WHich one is mine?"

"She fell down stairs again, so this is her third hip."

'See? The idiots put my danged knee replacement in backward!'

Virtual Doctor

'Will I live Doctor?' 'Yes, but I don't advise it!'

"He's going to be O.K., but he still wants you to remarry."

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

Woman in hospital has i.v. attached to plant.

"Sorry, that's not my table."

Downloading Pregnancy

'Let me guess...it's contagious!'

'Wow! That was quite some push Mrs Smith...'

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

An organ flies across the room during an operation - 'Catch it...!'

'The funny part is that the aerial was fine -- the TV set was just unplugged!'

"Nurse, when I asked you to make the patient more comfortable I just meant plump up his pillows!"

"You'll feel a pinch now and another one when the bill comes."

Saline Drip Sommelier.

I just hope my doctor is not on twitter too!

"The patient in 12-C needs comforting."

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. Your HMO won't cover the Anesthesia."

'Gee!' (doctor looking at x-ray)

'Did you remove my appendix? Yes, both of them.'