Honorary Hilarity Gifts

"I didn't see the coffee table in the middle of the room, due to my visual impairment, caused by the rubbish light emitted by the government approved 150 watt energy saving bulb in my apartment..."

"She's losing a lot of cream cheese. We're going to have to cut her open."

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

Hairy dog looks the same both ends.

"In normal circumstances a full state pension would be an automatic..."

"Your bedside health care book ... thanks for not reading it."

'Two scalpels and a nurses hat are missing...'

'Well my inner diagnostician thinks your inner diagnostician is completely off the wall.'

'Before we begin, let's say a little prayer for humility.'

"I picked this one up in France while my wife had her hip replaced."

'My speciality is referring patients to the right specialist.'

"Buck up, go home and be nice to the new kitty."

'These people have terrible attention spans - I'll just bring them ten commandments at a time.'

'Oh no! We're being spammed again!'

"Okay, okay - I'll keep my day job!"

'That still doesn't make you a big fish!'

'Thank you for the job offer, sir, but I find that unemployment helps keep me humble.'

'For heaven's sake! What kind of a transplant did they give you?'

'You've all been whining a lot lately, so this week's sermon is from the 'Book of Lamentations'....'

"If you upgrade this to an 'A' I think I can get you an extra $10,000."

"I mistakenly stood in the doorway when kids sunday school released."

Cat scratching chair. Chair falls on cat.

"I sympathize. It's weird for me too."

"Once a sinner, always a sinner!"

"The procedure begins with a local anesthetic to your wallet."

Leg in a sling 'Are you sure this is the correct treatment for a broken leg?'

"The baptism is Sunday, and not a moment too soon, I might add."

"And remember, no tormenting the cat while I'm at work!"

'THAT'S the Holy Land? - You're kidding, right?'

Important dates in Latino history: Seven years ago, the empanada was invented.

'Brother Jerome has a problem with humility, but he can't bring himself to admit it.'

'Your test results are in, and you're FULL of surprises!'

"They cured me - then again, I don't have as many preexisting conditions."

'I see you've been calling a lot for that pretty night nurse again!'

"My son is failing out of medical school, so to help him get extra credit, I'm allowing him to operate on you."