Honest Joker Pillows

"No, hon, your cooking is great. Hold on - yes, I'd like to order a large pepperoni..."

'I know you've heard about how we roosters get around, but believe me, I'm a one-chicken guy.'

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

"Would you rather get hit by a racket or chewed by a dog?"

"See how it feels"

'Are you sure we should do all this praying on Sunday? -- I thought it was God's day off.'

"A valiant effort, Mike, but just accept that you're going bald."

"We could have a shoot-out, then brunch."

"It's me, Lucky—you can drop the best-friend shtick."

'He's making preparations for his elderly care.'

'This is the third time you've gone to the bathroom tonight. Are you seeing another woman in there?'

"His legs yurn to jello when he wears Relaxed Fit jeans."

Jesus falling over a wave.

"I've never had a day's illness in my life. I always make it last a week."

'I can't decide whether to get a lawyer or tell the truth.'

Valentine Comix

"I think I'll go home and start some unhealthy eating habits I'll live to regret."

'This milk smells funny.'

"You've just proven that your job doesn't exist."

Never Apologize for Being Yourself

"Would you like to make a contribution to the old folks home?" "Sure, when can I bring him in?"

'Dave... Your intimate apparel is showing.'

'I've never felt so alive...'

'Always tell the truth, even if you do have to lie to do it.'

Breathe-aholics Anonymous: 'Hi, my name is Glen, and I've been clean and sober for over one minute.'

'Can't we have a valentine party without girls?'

"I'm just as ambivalent about her as the day we met, fifty years ago."

'What's up, I've simply sacrificed my sacrifices for lent.'

"Laugh and call me names, will they!"

"I started my vegetarianism for health reasons, then it became a moral choice, and now it's just to annoy people."

'Is there any way we could ease into these GRADUALLY?'

Bully accepts Paypal, Venmo or Bitcoin

'No, it only has a driver-side airbag.'

'The house is as you left it, Luv - I'm lodging at the Red Lion.'

'I like my women like I like my light bulbs; dim, cheap & easily replaced.'