Honest Joker Pillows

"No, hon, your cooking is great. Hold on - yes, I'd like to order a large pepperoni..."

'I know you've heard about how we roosters get around, but believe me, I'm a one-chicken guy.'

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

"Would you rather get hit by a racket or chewed by a dog?"

"See how it feels"

'Are you sure we should do all this praying on Sunday? -- I thought it was God's day off.'

"We could have a shoot-out, then brunch."

"It's me, Lucky—you can drop the best-friend shtick."

"A valiant effort, Mike, but just accept that you're going bald."

'He's making preparations for his elderly care.'

'This is the third time you've gone to the bathroom tonight. Are you seeing another woman in there?'

Jesus falling over a wave.

"His legs yurn to jello when he wears Relaxed Fit jeans."

'At least you still think I'm great, don't you, boy?'

'I can't decide whether to get a lawyer or tell the truth.'

"I've never had a day's illness in my life. I always make it last a week."

'This milk smells funny.'

Valentine Comix

"I think I'll go home and start some unhealthy eating habits I'll live to regret."

"You've just proven that your job doesn't exist."

Never Apologize for Being Yourself

"Would you like to make a contribution to the old folks home?" "Sure, when can I bring him in?"

'Dave... Your intimate apparel is showing.'

'I've never felt so alive...'

'Always tell the truth, even if you do have to lie to do it.'

Breathe-aholics Anonymous: 'Hi, my name is Glen, and I've been clean and sober for over one minute.'

"Laugh and call me names, will they!"

'Can't we have a valentine party without girls?'

'What's up, I've simply sacrificed my sacrifices for lent.'

"I'm just as ambivalent about her as the day we met, fifty years ago."

"I started my vegetarianism for health reasons, then it became a moral choice, and now it's just to annoy people."

'Is there any way we could ease into these GRADUALLY?'

Lance, why do all of your burps seem to end in a question mark? Because I like a burp to be a conversation starter. And see? It worked!

'I like my women like I like my light bulbs; dim, cheap & easily replaced.'

'The house is as you left it, Luv - I'm lodging at the Red Lion.'