Homebody With Humor Pillows

'It's time to move out when Mom says...'

"We're just a stone's throw from everything."

"David and I are thinking of upsizing from Little Bickering to Greater Needling, aren't we, sweetie?"

"This love seat stinks!"

'No Trespissing'

'I've relaxed, put my feet up - Now, where's that good book you promised me?'

The bulb family leaves for vacation

Dear, you'd better call the super. There's a light bulb out in my man cave.

"I was supposed to rinse them first? So, you're telling me somebody designed a machine to wash dishes, but we're supposed to make sure we wash the dishes before we put them in the machine?"

"I think you've spent too much time in the garden during the lockdown."

"I thought we agreed you weren't going to work at home."

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

Man: 'How cute. He must like the movement.' Cat: 'There are some challenging themes here but little or no dramatic resonance.'

"I see you've security marked your property."

'She'll never look for me here.'

"Funny. My girlfriend said the same thing."

It's Your Turn to Do the Dishes Tonight!

"I'll be glad when the television is fixed."

'What about you...you've been living here thirty years too?'

Man fishing in goldfish bowl - "Its always been the same with you Norman.. No ambition."

"Just the slippers is fine!"

'Home is where I hang my bat.'

"There goes our early night."

Amy Sedaris

"I'd hold off on the peking duck another five minutes...the show's almost over."

We never roam anymore.

I haven't been down there since last Valentine's day. I want to check on a couple who asked me to rekindle their romance. A year ago I told them that thanks to me they'd be spending more time together and less time at their offices. I said I'd make it so they'd have lots of nights at home ordering some take-out and watching a movie. They must be very happy with me. All I did was shoot an arrow of love, but apparently they think I caused some sort of pandemic to happen!

The Drawbacks Of Working From Home

"5...4...3...2..."

"You're back. Hold on … just give me a minute."

'He's strictly an indoor cat.'

"It's days like this that make me glad I became a teacher."

"This lockdown is GREAT! - We can spend all day on our computers, eating takeaway junk food and watching crap TV while gambling on our iphones!"

"Darling! We've become armchair socialites."

"I'm upstairs right now. On weekends and holidays, I go downstairs."