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'Decorating on a shoestring'

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"This is going to make the most amazing driftwood table."

"I didn't spark joy."

"Make yourself comfortable on my new decorative throw rocks."

"Oh, wow! Is that stunning or what?" "Mid-century classic. Should be in a museum. Let's pee on it." "Totally."

"You're welcome."

'MY husband made the coffee table out of an old door.'

Woman has 3 towels in her restroom: 'Mine', 'Mine' and 'Mine'.

'I can't move in, Ted - your lifestyle is too modern. And your furniture is way too modern.'

'I'm not sure which I like best - the fake fire or the fake man with brandy glass in front of it.'

'You do realise that's pot pourii?'

"On second thought, mabe it would look better over there."

"My feng-shui consultant placed Harold in the closet."

'Welcome to the house warming! The map points out what is furniture and what is sculpture.'

Posh Easter Egg

"Hedge-fund managers have to have something over their sofas, too."

'Ooh, hey...real hardwood floors!'

"We want it to look lived in, but not necessarily by us."

'Magnolia, Michaelangelo, the ceiling was meant to be magnolia!'

"Okay, lady, your new carpet is installed...you can let your dog back in now."

"The board is going to have to talk to 5-G again."

Realtors: 'We make house calls'.

Estate Agent - This house that's 'just what we are looking for' is ours

"That Feng Shui class I took is paying off!"

King Madras

"My incentive for losing weight? I bought a fitted sheet a size to small."

"You like it? It’s from the MoMA Store!"

Pea green

"Dave, we need to talk about office props and work productivity."

"Hey, take me home with you! Position me at a slight angle next to the elegant glass soap dispenser in the guest bathroom. It'll look great, you'll see!"

'Yes,I did bag him from a treestand.How did you guess?'

Woman in bed with catalogue of worries.

Woman crushed under satin sheets.

'I love what you've not done with the place.'