Home Repair Specialist Gifts

'Well... at least we know the basement doesn't leak.'

'Rick, I think something is wrong with the septic system. The toilet is flushing kind of slowly.'

"I'm all set to start the weekend reno project..." "And I'm all set to call 911."

A sudden draft. The moment he first felt comfortable calling himself a plumber.

'Hello, Acme Termite Control...?'

"So, who would you like me to call first, dear, the plumber or the exterminator?"

'Give me the saw Stanley, I'm calling a professional.'

'Don't you think it's time you did something about the draught in here?'

'That's your limescale problem sorted.'

"Ernie, what are you using to repair your place?" "Ig-glue."

"We have rising damp, you don't know a good cobbler do you?"

"Since it didn't take long to fix your sink, I've decided to charge by the second instead of by the hour."

"See this area right here, honey? This is why we need to find someone who knows what they're doing."

'That'll be $50 plus $200 to repair the damage you made trying to fix it yourself.'

'Will you be long, fixing this leak? I'll have to put my Bert's dinner on in ten minutes.'

Note: For cheap & speedy window repairs, call Jack's Glass Replacement Service.

ACE Roofing: Our Minds Are Always In The Gutter!

'The house needs a lot of work. It's loaded with cholesterol...not nearly enough fiber...'

'And have you reported the dampness in your home?'

"Well, we found out what's been clogging up your drains!"

'The plumber said he can't come right now, but promised to put us on his 'wading list'. Cute, huh?'

"I finally found a use for that old home repair book..."

"This the first time you guys ever installed an above-ground pool?"

'I found the termites!'

"I sensed you needed my help. I’m Saint &@!#%&!!, the patron saint of cursing."

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

"I just love how wet you've made things in here."

"I said to myself, 'Maybe I can't change the world, but I can remodel my bathroom.' "

"Everything you say (or don't say) matters. Choose your words and intentions carefully."

Do-It-Yourself. Do-it-yourself-With-Good-Friends-and-Pizza-and-A-Few-Beers.

"Maybe the termite problem should take precedence over the chimney problem."

"I take it the toilet is fixed?"

'It's O.K. Charlie - you can relax. The T.V. repairman said, 'it can be fixed!''

"Whoa. There's a huge crack down here." "Tell me about it."

We're putting on a subtraction.