Home Renovation Gifts

"Worst-case scenario? The renovation goes three years and two million dollars over budget, one of you bludgeons me to death with my own hammer, and you both get the electric chair."

'Before we bought this house and remodeled, this pool was septic tank.'

"Of course, we can do spare and minimalist, but not on your budget."

Clear construction agreements are important.

'See! I told you the roof needed repairing.'

"These older homes are tricky. You never know what kind of pipes you'll find."

"I'm not a guru. I'm just hanging out here till my renovation is done."

Man covered in nails returning his nail gun to the store.

Translating Contractor to English

Man's house has sign reading 'Sod the council'. His neighbour says: 'Frankly, I'm amazed you got planning permission.'

'I found the termites!'

'Love your renovations.'

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

'Rick, I think something is wrong with the septic system. The toilet is flushing kind of slowly.'

'Bill, in the country it's a CELLAR not a BASEMENT! I won't come down 'til you use the proper term.'

'If you run into trouble, give my brother a call. He's an excellent divorce lawyer.'

'You should have called me sooner.'

'So, how much to remove this ugly old tree? $1750. It's not THAT ugly.'

Man falls through ceiling - 'Did you find the leak?'

'Something in warm, earth tones. I'm sick of white.'

'The kidney shape was a cool idea. Reminds us what you sold to pay for it.'

'Of course, that bid's just an estimate.'

'Fred's not sure who to call first: 911 or the plumber he should have called in the first place.'

'MY husband made the coffee table out of an old door.'

"When does the improvement part of this improvement project kick in?"

"I put in a skylight and it's made a world of difference."

"It's not just the same old crap—it's wider."

'Hello, Acme Termite Control...?'

Why it's bad when home owners change their minds about the bathroom's location late in a building project.

'It's lovely. Have you actually built a flat-pack kitchen before?'

Your home remodel team: architect, contractor, couples therapist

'This guy's FAST!'

'Of course, that bid's just an estimate.'

'Letting him buy the stupid guns was the only way I'd ever get him to paint the house.'

'The bank won't give us a loan for a new roof because we both had a vaccination for shingles.'