Home Renovation Gifts

"Worst-case scenario? The renovation goes three years and two million dollars over budget, one of you bludgeons me to death with my own hammer, and you both get the electric chair."

"Of course, we can do spare and minimalist, but not on your budget."

'Before we bought this house and remodeled, this pool was septic tank.'

Clear construction agreements are important.

'See! I told you the roof needed repairing.'

"These older homes are tricky. You never know what kind of pipes you'll find."

Man covered in nails returning his nail gun to the store.

"I'm not a guru. I'm just hanging out here till my renovation is done."

Translating Contractor to English

Man's house has sign reading 'Sod the council'. His neighbour says: 'Frankly, I'm amazed you got planning permission.'

'Love your renovations.'

'I found the termites!'

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

'Rick, I think something is wrong with the septic system. The toilet is flushing kind of slowly.'

'Bill, in the country it's a CELLAR not a BASEMENT! I won't come down 'til you use the proper term.'

'If you run into trouble, give my brother a call. He's an excellent divorce lawyer.'

'Of course, that bid's just an estimate.'

'The kidney shape was a cool idea. Reminds us what you sold to pay for it.'

'Something in warm, earth tones. I'm sick of white.'

Man falls through ceiling - 'Did you find the leak?'

'So, how much to remove this ugly old tree? $1750. It's not THAT ugly.'

"I put in a skylight and it's made a world of difference."

"When does the improvement part of this improvement project kick in?"

'Fred's not sure who to call first: 911 or the plumber he should have called in the first place.'

'MY husband made the coffee table out of an old door.'

"It's not just the same old crap—it's wider."

'Hello, Acme Termite Control...?'

Your home remodel team: architect, contractor, couples therapist

'This guy's FAST!'

Why it's bad when home owners change their minds about the bathroom's location late in a building project.

'It's lovely. Have you actually built a flat-pack kitchen before?'

"Our dream is to live long enough to see the end of our renovation."

If Rick Had Been A Building Contractor

'The bank won't give us a loan for a new roof because we both had a vaccination for shingles.'

"Honey, we need to decide if we're going to add on or conquer a bigger castle."