Home Project Undertaker Pillows

"This is the driver, isn't it?"

"You haven't got dyslexia- the instructions are in polish."

'I don't know what he gets up to in there, but it keeps him busy.' (Noises are recorded, man reads paper, has beer.)

"I said to myself, 'Maybe I can't change the world, but I can remodel my bathroom.' "

"Maybe the termite problem should take precedence over the chimney problem."

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

'I don't think he's so smart. I had to show him three times before he got the hank of it.'

"It's a major fixer-upper. How's your marriage?"

George was a bit intimidated by his IKEA self-assembly wardrobe.

'I planned to go to work, cancel my appointments, kick back and just relax...then I remembered I'm retired.'

"Hello, and welcome to 'Homes Under the Hammer. . .'"

'... And that's where I'm seeking planning permission to build a secret uranium enrichment plant...'

"Pity that 'on' button's a bit of a stretch."

'I think my husband's DIYed and gone to heaven.'

'Don't say it! You're going to ask me if I notice anything different in here.'

"Shall I kiss it better?"

'My hubby is getting better at D.I.Y. . . . Oh yes, he now spends more on screws than plasters.'

Ceiling Paint

"Well, dear, you can quit worrying about our roof!"

"The instructions state that some anger, frustration and confusion is expected."

'Henry, just break down and buy a power drill.'

'Before you say it's got some old parts, remember that you installed it.'

"After Harry was gone I started decorating the house as a distraction. It was around the time I was wallpapering the driveway that I thought I should seek grief counseling."

'You did that on purpose!'

"Norman's building a small Hadron Collider."

DIY Store "I don't know why we come here..."

"On second thought, could you take it out and just teach him how to use the door knob?"

Cordless Drill and Drill Less Cords.

Another over-do-it-yourself project.

'Another DIY enthusiast methinks...'

'Hmm, back to the drawing board.'

Harry believed in having the right tool for the wrong job.

'Oh yes, Leonard's a fixit-it man. Only problem is, who'll fix it after him?'

'Give me the saw Stanley, I'm calling a professional.'