Home Guardian T-Shirts

'Sorry, my dog says no landlords allowed!'

Pay Now . . . or Pay Later.

"Beware of God"

'My cat sprayed everything in the house.'

"Freeze, or I'll mop the floor with you!"

"He's still there. Try adding an angry face emoji."

Beware of the Dog

'Harold, when was the last time you cleaned the pool?!'

Garden Gnome fishing all the fish for pond.

'What's wrong with our new shed? Nothing - I'm sat out here guarding it.'

Bumble Bee

"Careful. That house has a taser."

"Hey, that's disgusting! You can't leave that on the footpath: Make sure your master comes and picks it up!"

Steven had a sneaky suspicion that the local birds were beginning to rely upon here.

The Gardener's Holiday: Don't leave produce behind you to perish.

Biodiversity

'I'll just put them here until the danger of frost passes - probably next April'

A drooping plant is watered via an IV tube.

'I prefer the term 'mobile home'.'

"Relax. They're just crows."

'What? I'm scratching the sofa! I'm not! And if I was? It's your fault!'

'At midnight, we go over the wall.'

'It works all the time: Light a candle and dinner comes to you...'

'I'm getting some unusually high readings around you.'

'Eddy! Can you check that recall list on the toy website again to see if this swing is included?'

"Whoever dug up my carrots had better learn to play dead, fast."

The proper way to wear your mask

"Did you remember to do everything I asked, even the small things I said in passing that didn't sound like real requests?"

I know it's you that's been digging up my garden. I certainly didn't put those rose bushes in.

"I said 'neighborhood watch'; they said 'peeping Tom.' "

'...And it comes with valuable coupons toward your next purchase.'

"Nice job with the petunias, Skip. They're a perfect complement to the trip wires."

"Why do humming birds hum? Because they don't know the lyrics."

'I feel much safer living in a gated community.'

'It's only a slug Norman.'