Home Gourmet Gifts

"What? Fish Again?"

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

LAY ZEE FUK

"Boil, toil and trouble, I wish I'd never started this risotto."

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"When I was your age. I was really smelly."

The wonderful world of cheese.

Domestic Goddess.

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'I want to make a positive environmental statement - What do you suggest I order?'

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

'Plastic corks, then screw caps; when they come out with a flip-n-sip Chateau Petrus I'm hanging up my tastevin.'

Careful, the plate's probably still hot.

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

Cookbooks

"So this coffee shop if your 'hangout'?"

Two books: 'The Joy of Cooking' next to 'The Joy of Dieting'.

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

'I'm a vegetarian.' - 'If it's so wrong to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?'

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

French wine

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Everything taste so divinely artisanal."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Sure, while you went out robbing folks I stayed here and made a nice quiche, and just to prove I'm not a sissy I made it with mountain lion instead of ham."

To do before Saturday...

"Yes, we have blue cheese. Do you want it in electric, sky or navy blue?"

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."