Diy Gourmet Gifts

"It's become so expensive, that if I want sushi, I have to catch my own!"

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Boil, toil and trouble, I wish I'd never started this risotto."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

Careful, the plate's probably still hot.

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

Cookbooks

Two books: 'The Joy of Cooking' next to 'The Joy of Dieting'.

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

Too much cilantro

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Sure, while you went out robbing folks I stayed here and made a nice quiche, and just to prove I'm not a sissy I made it with mountain lion instead of ham."

The Main Types of Cheese

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

To do before Saturday...

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

Holiday Supplies

'Is this still America?'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

PREPARING A POMEGRANATE FOR DUMMIES

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."