Home Enhancement Guru Pillows

"Oh crimminy. Now we have to make an effort."

"I finally found a use for that old home repair book..."

Why it's bad when home owners change their minds about the bathroom's location late in a building project.

"Thanks! Carl put his heart and soul into it, along with, of course, lots of mud and a boatload of his own saliva."

"This the first time you guys ever installed an above-ground pool?"

"I just love how wet you've made things in here."

"I said to myself, 'Maybe I can't change the world, but I can remodel my bathroom.' "

"Everything you say (or don't say) matters. Choose your words and intentions carefully."

'You're using 14' nails on a 2' door? This is definitely a case where bigger is not better.'

Do-It-Yourself. Do-it-yourself-With-Good-Friends-and-Pizza-and-A-Few-Beers.

'Sure you won 'Contractor of the Decade' five times, McWit, but what have you done lately?'

"Good news! She's asking for her Banana Republic and Williams-Sonoma catalogues."

"Maybe the termite problem should take precedence over the chimney problem."

We're putting on a subtraction.

"Have you been using 'Vanish' again?"

"No monsters, but there's a tear in the carpeting and I see hardwood!"

Dummies Books.

'She seems to think I only have one thing on my mind.'

"I went with weirdness over quantity this year."

"It's a lot of work, but we've decided to renovate this old factory."

'I found out how to redecorate the easy way - just call the old wallpaper names and it will come down to slap you!'

'I'm counter - intelligence'

'Yeah, strictly speaking it's a hole, but I prefer to think of it as a bijou hole.'

Over 50 shades of grey available.

"This condo includes free access to fitness facilities...7 flights of stairs."

House for sale - some assembly required.

'I think you want Phillips. Two doors down on the left.'

Constructive Criticism 50c.

'Well, in the hands of my husbnd it's almost as lethal as a loaded gun.'

New! Paint Bombs: 'Light the wick, and you have paint that's extremely easy to apply!'

"Okay, I fixed the leaking roof, and I moved the couch over to the far wall, but I'm sorry, I don't unblock toilets!"

"We're looking for something more over-the-couch-ish."

"Hey, take me home with you! Position me at a slight angle next to the elegant glass soap dispenser in the guest bathroom. It'll look great, you'll see!"

Spring Cleaning

'Where do you keep the elbow-grease?'