Home Improvement Guru Pillows

'It's okay. We all forget occasionally. It's righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.'

'What the... they raised our property tax assessment 21 percent because we added a birdbath!'

Missing Contractor

'I'd like you to meet the saw, the hammer and, well, you know the drill.'

'Your drain pipe was having a bad hair day.'

Man drills a hole floor to let leak from ceiling into funnel.

"I'm not totally happy with the painting subcontractor."

"Honey, we need to decide if we're going to add on or conquer a bigger castle."

Annoyingly, he'd hung the mirror upside down.

'That's the color paint we need.'

'Uh oh. I measured the drywall in feet, but you measured it in metric.'

'Does this mean you're going to fix the leaky bathroom faucet?'

'Of course, the one you buy would be upright. This is just the floor model.'

'This weekend I'm doing all those little jobs I never seem to get around to doing.'

Spring Cleaning

'Where do you keep the elbow-grease?'

'This is the first time I've seen a contract written on sandpaper.'

How many stepladders does it take to change a lightbulb?

'I think you want Phillips. Two doors down on the left.'

All this place needs is splash of paint and some pretty drapes.

House for sale - some assembly required.

Sale: All Doors Massively Reduced!

'...About this laminated wood flooring I purchased from your company last year...'

While he appreciated Karen's desire to help, Roger let her know that pointing out areas he had missed was unnecessary.

"Maybe the termite problem should take precedence over the chimney problem."

"Well, we could just tell everyone we have an indoor pool!"

'When I asked for something woody with a great finish, they said I should try the paneling department at Home Depot.'

'Useful Drywall Screws' next to a huge box of 'Useless Drywall Screws.'

In the Hitler household: 'I'd be happy extending over the patio, but His Nibs has his heart set on annexing Poland.'

Hammer dreams

'We wanted to maintain the integrity of the original house.'

The inventor of DIY shelving

'She seems to think I only have one thing on my mind.'

"I had a yard sale and somebody brought it."

Home Heating Oil