Home Improvement Guru Pillows

'It's okay. We all forget occasionally. It's righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.'

Missing Contractor

'I'd like you to meet the saw, the hammer and, well, you know the drill.'

'Your drain pipe was having a bad hair day.'

Man drills a hole floor to let leak from ceiling into funnel.

"I'm not totally happy with the painting subcontractor."

Annoyingly, he'd hung the mirror upside down.

'That's the color paint we need.'

'Of course, the one you buy would be upright. This is just the floor model.'

'This weekend I'm doing all those little jobs I never seem to get around to doing.'

Spring Cleaning

'Does this mean you're going to fix the leaky bathroom faucet?'

'Uh oh. I measured the drywall in feet, but you measured it in metric.'

"Honey, we need to decide if we're going to add on or conquer a bigger castle."

'Where do you keep the elbow-grease?'

How many stepladders does it take to change a lightbulb?

'This is the first time I've seen a contract written on sandpaper.'

House for sale - some assembly required.

'I think you want Phillips. Two doors down on the left.'

'...About this laminated wood flooring I purchased from your company last year...'

"Maybe the termite problem should take precedence over the chimney problem."

Home Heating Oil

"I had a yard sale and somebody brought it."

The inventor of DIY shelving

'We wanted to maintain the integrity of the original house.'

Hammer dreams

'Useful Drywall Screws' next to a huge box of 'Useless Drywall Screws.'

'When I asked for something woody with a great finish, they said I should try the paneling department at Home Depot.'

"Well, we could just tell everyone we have an indoor pool!"

"My dad is really smart. He knows about a lot of things! It's too bad electricity isn't one of those things."

"I told you if we worked together we would finish in no time."

"It's not just your bathroom light. It lasts 20 years. It's your eternal flame!"

'You're using 14' nails on a 2' door? This is definitely a case where bigger is not better.'

"It says here that most accidents happen in the kitchen...."

"I hope you've undercoated first!"