Home Defense Warrior Gifts

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

"I sensed you needed my help. I’m Saint &@!#%&!!, the patron saint of cursing."

"See this area right here, honey? This is why we need to find someone who knows what they're doing."

Noise Pollution

'Daniel! How many times have I told you not to bury that in the back yard! I'm going to be late for work!'

"Not tonight, Jon. I have to clean for the cleaning lady."

"Brutus! Attack with reasonable force!"

Whack-A-Chore: "You play it all day, every day, until you can't anymore."

'How long did you try before calling?'

"I hardly think you can call waiting for updates to install doing nothing!!"

"I thought it would be cheaper to weed wack our shag carpet rather than replace it."

"Bloody houseflies...."

"Bloody cold-callers - I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind. . .!!"

"I wish I had known you have arachnophobia before I paid."

"O.K., but let's say you have up to six hundred intruders per minute."

'I hear a burglar downstairs, the poor fool.'

'Check you house for termites, Lady?'

'I'd go small with this burglar. Way too much collateral damage with the cannon.'

The Eternal Battle Over Who Is More Tired

Man with fly swat - Let the games begin.

'Ken's back was bent at a rakish angle'

"My husband has a thing about double glazing salesmen."

"I have a low-cost project you can which you can involve yourself with."

'If it weren't for baseball, this whole thing could have ended much differently.'

"O.K., she's sitting down to write in three....two....one...."

"The long winter has gotten you out of shape, dad. Your back locked up. If it was your computer, I could help you."

Door to door salesman sees sign: 'We have everything.'

This had the potential to get really nasty...

'Yes, I have both a desktop and a laptop.'

Pest Control

"Don't just stand there Howard - SWAT IT!!!"

'I don't take telemarketing calls during dinner time. Can I call you back during your dinner time?'