Home Defense Warrior Gifts

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

"I sensed you needed my help. I’m Saint &@!#%&!!, the patron saint of cursing."

"See this area right here, honey? This is why we need to find someone who knows what they're doing."

'Daniel! How many times have I told you not to bury that in the back yard! I'm going to be late for work!'

Noise Pollution

"Not tonight, Jon. I have to clean for the cleaning lady."

"Brutus! Attack with reasonable force!"

'How long did you try before calling?'

Whack-A-Chore: "You play it all day, every day, until you can't anymore."

"I hardly think you can call waiting for updates to install doing nothing!!"

"Bloody cold-callers - I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind. . .!!"

"I thought it would be cheaper to weed wack our shag carpet rather than replace it."

"I wish I had known you have arachnophobia before I paid."

We all have our jobs to do here --- You guard against burglars and I'm the food critic.

"Bloody houseflies...."

"O.K., but let's say you have up to six hundred intruders per minute."

'I hear a burglar downstairs, the poor fool.'

The Eternal Battle Over Who Is More Tired

'Check you house for termites, Lady?'

'I'd go small with this burglar. Way too much collateral damage with the cannon.'

Man with fly swat - Let the games begin.

'Ken's back was bent at a rakish angle'

How do you keep cats out of your garden? I catch the little sneaks

'If it weren't for baseball, this whole thing could have ended much differently.'

"O.K., she's sitting down to write in three....two....one...."

How many times do I have to remind you to empty your pockets before doing laundry?

"I have a low-cost project you can which you can involve yourself with."

"My husband has a thing about double glazing salesmen."

Matador face to face with a Toro lawnmower.

Pest Control

"The long winter has gotten you out of shape, dad. Your back locked up. If it was your computer, I could help you."

This had the potential to get really nasty...

'Yes, I have both a desktop and a laptop.'

Door to door salesman sees sign: 'We have everything.'

"Don't just stand there Howard - SWAT IT!!!"