Home Alchemist T-Shirts

'G'mornin' Pop!.. Hey, did you happen to see my science experiment? It was in a glass right here on the table.'

Flour, sugar, earth, air, fire, water.

'Have you tried our home-made wine?'

"Boil, toil and trouble, I wish I'd never started this risotto."

A woman standing beside a stove full of steaming pots and pans.

'I had a wonderful garden last year. Bark beetles, aphids, mealy worms, thripes, wax seal, gray mold, and grubs!'

Captain steering house through flood.

"But until I do transmute lead into gold, maybe I could interest you in some lovely lead jewelry."

"Harold insists on doing all his own stunts."

'Let's see what else will explode in the microwave!'

OFA. Onion Farmer of the Year. I told myself I wasn't going to cry ….

'There are two types of alchemy - there's organic and there's inorganic.'

"I don't know, it's just the whole Dark Ages thing. It's got me down."

'You have received a grant from the king - his secret incantation to chant over your experiments.'

'It's an experiment to stop time.'

Child writes letter to Santa reading 'Sorry Santa, I DO want to go to school'.

''I'm totally committed to simplifying my life. No more shitake jalapeno pesto.'

'Wait, wait, before you mix them, you have to say, 'Pow!'.'

If all else falls...Mom's Chicken Soup

I bake my own bread.

'But why do you want to transmute asparagus into cotton?'

Olive Oil

"First you make a roux."

"It's made from all our old leftovers. I call it 'Rescue Casserole.'"

'I'm trying to turn gold into gasoline.'

Implausible Retirement Housing Options

"I'm not feeling well. I'm picking up a few things at my pharmacy."

Baker

G.P.S. For the Home

"You'd be amazed how just a little soybean meal adds to the protein content of powdered bats wing and next tails."

"When you have a moment would you mind browning the meringue?"

Fred began to understand why this kit house was so cheap.

'Why Isaac Newton kept returning to alchemy...' 'There's just no money in gravity.'

'Potatoes. How many would I need to make a bottle of vodka?'

"Of course you can't replicate my experiments. That's the beauty of them."