Domestic Alchemist T-Shirts

The secret of marriage is chemistry - he's on valium and I'm on prozac

'Have you tried our home-made wine?'

"Boil, toil and trouble, I wish I'd never started this risotto."

A woman standing beside a stove full of steaming pots and pans.

"That's our house, that's Mommy going to work, and that's you, staring out the window, wondering where it all went wrong."

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

Party time.

"But until I do transmute lead into gold, maybe I could interest you in some lovely lead jewelry."

'Hon, I'm home!'

'She'll never look for me here.'

Medicinal plants

"I finally cleaned my room. You don't think she'll look in the yard, do you?"

Flour, sugar, earth, air, fire, water.

"Don't you want to hear about the day I had?"

'There are two types of alchemy - there's organic and there's inorganic.'

''I'm totally committed to simplifying my life. No more shitake jalapeno pesto.'

"I don't know, it's just the whole Dark Ages thing. It's got me down."

'You have received a grant from the king - his secret incantation to chant over your experiments.'

'It's an experiment to stop time.'

'Wait, wait, before you mix them, you have to say, 'Pow!'.'

If all else falls...Mom's Chicken Soup

I bake my own bread.

"First you make a roux."

'But why do you want to transmute asparagus into cotton?'

Olive Oil

'As your financial advisor, I'd have to advise you to change your main income provider,'

"It's made from all our old leftovers. I call it 'Rescue Casserole.'"

'How are you doing on your side?'

"I bought you a cook book. Think of it as technical support."

'I'm trying to turn gold into gasoline.'

"There's a house-plant round here somewhere."

"It's less of a spell than it is a signature scent."

"When you have a moment would you mind browning the meringue?"

Baker

"The clothes looked extra dirty... so I used the whole box of detergent!"