Domestic Alchemist Gifts

The secret of marriage is chemistry - he's on valium and I'm on prozac

'Have you tried our home-made wine?'

"Boil, toil and trouble, I wish I'd never started this risotto."

A woman standing beside a stove full of steaming pots and pans.

"That's our house, that's Mommy going to work, and that's you, staring out the window, wondering where it all went wrong."

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

Party time.

"But until I do transmute lead into gold, maybe I could interest you in some lovely lead jewelry."

'She'll never look for me here.'

'Hon, I'm home!'

Medicinal plants

"I finally cleaned my room. You don't think she'll look in the yard, do you?"

OFA. Onion Farmer of the Year. I told myself I wasn't going to cry ….

Flour, sugar, earth, air, fire, water.

"Don't you want to hear about the day I had?"

'There are two types of alchemy - there's organic and there's inorganic.'

''I'm totally committed to simplifying my life. No more shitake jalapeno pesto.'

'You have received a grant from the king - his secret incantation to chant over your experiments.'

"I don't know, it's just the whole Dark Ages thing. It's got me down."

'It's an experiment to stop time.'

'Wait, wait, before you mix them, you have to say, 'Pow!'.'

If all else falls...Mom's Chicken Soup

"First you make a roux."

Olive Oil

"It's made from all our old leftovers. I call it 'Rescue Casserole.'"

'As your financial advisor, I'd have to advise you to change your main income provider,'

'But why do you want to transmute asparagus into cotton?'

I bake my own bread.

'How are you doing on your side?'

"I bought you a cook book. Think of it as technical support."

'I'm trying to turn gold into gasoline.'

"I get that you're cold, but does he also have to eat all our meals with us?"

"When you have a moment would you mind browning the meringue?"

"There's a house-plant round here somewhere."

"You'd be amazed how just a little soybean meal adds to the protein content of powdered bats wing and next tails."