Holistic Jokester Gifts

Man passes Holistic Health Clinic and sees Holistic Donuts.

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozak.

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

A crab with a utility knife claw

Men dancing

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

'Barry I think it's time you had your eyes checked!'

'Todd don't be such a clown...'

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

"Tongue twisters! These are hard to say! A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk."

"You idiots … we lost!"

"Apparently, I'm fun, but I'm no fun in bed."

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

"I haven't changed my facebook status."

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

'Okay Dad, time to unwind.'

"Yes, but can your philosophical speculations on existence also be relative to why I crossed the road?"

Athen's Theater. "Oedipus Rex" didn't test well as a title, Sophocles. How would you feel about calling it "My Big Fat Greek Tragedy"?

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

'If you cut back on children, at least try to eat them before they nibble on your house.'

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

'Existential truckstop'

'As I feared, the X-ray shows that you are crying inside.'

Interrupted Shower.

Dentists who do appendectomies.

The disgusting, embarrassing sound of a whoopie cushion...

'... and I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those dang meddling kids... that and my incredibly stupid plan. Also in retrospect, I realize my costume was, regrettably, quite lame.'

Celebrity Clown Rehab: 'And so how does that make you feel, Chuckles?'

Golf Myth #293--Ball Washer

I have a confession. Sometimes I doubt that God is really a giant chicken. Eggnostics.