Hold Music Critic Pillows

Our menu has changed. To hear this message again, press 1. To hang up, press 2.

"Your call is important to us. Please hold for hours, howl obscenities, punch a hole in the wall and hang up."

If you would be willing to take a short survey at the end of this call, press "1". If you would like to risk being punished for not taking the survey by being kept on hold for an extra 10 minutes, press "2."

"Please stay on the line, your call is important to us... imagine how we'd treat you if it weren't."

"Press 8 to be put on hold for what seems like forever...press 9 to phone back tomorrow."

"Press 3 and hear something that will really get up your nose"

'We need to change our on-hold music to something besides harps, Ms. Sims.'

"Please stay on the line for the next available agent - unless, of course, you are feeling tired, very tired, or maybe hungry. . ."

No Elgar!

"I guess someone got up on the wrong side of the podium today."

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

"New studies show that the so-called 'lucky man' made popular by the prog-rock band Emerson, Lake and Palmer was, in fact, just very well-connected."

"The guy who wrote 'The Frog Chorus' is sounding kinda croaky."

Elvis fan holding a sign reading 'NOT MY KING'.

"Of course I'm going to give him a tip - he should take lessons!"

"I'm astounded that your dog is channeling Eubie Blake! Has he never heard of Elton John?"

'Horace spends his spare time being a rock critic.'

"This next song is about narrow-minded record executives and their reluctance to take a chance on anything a bit different."

The Music Critic.

Pub. This is John. He also loves obscure bands until they're popular then hates them. The Druidiots. Luckies. 50 ale.

"Coming up... more of the same mindless pop songs with repetitive lyrics and nauseating melodies!"

A singer being criticised

Mega-Corp Pictures. This film will tell a story about Frederick the Great censuring one of his favorite musicians. "The Empire Strikes Bach"!

'I hate these purists who play Bach without any pedal'

"What do you mean, who are my influences?"

'He's disappointed with the Queen's card - he wanted a rude one!'

"Brothers, what we do in life echoes in eternity, if only through the lyrics of a Coldplay song!"

Pianist being pelted with tomatoes.

"Nice, but not Pavarotti''

"I don't do spells. I'm a wizard at deciphering rap lyrics."

Snake Eats the Snake Charmer.

Focus Groupies

'Like the judges, he's turned his chair around to concentrate on the singing.'

Smashed harp...

"'50 Shades of Grey?' - Oh you mean the 'Guide to Modern Music...'"