History Rewriter Gifts

"And that's General Ambrose T. Spangler. He died in the Great Mustache Fire of 1897."

"Let's just say I have a pre-existing condition."

'A portcullis is SO yesterday!'

Piracy on a boating lake

After 39 years, 11 months, 28 days, Moses finally received the GPS he ordered from Amazon.

"I think you'll find the pen is writier than the sword."

Castle, Cafe + Gift Shop.

Missing You.

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

'I think they're up to something.'

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

Once upon a time and a half. Buick and the Beast.

Personnel. Any experience in crisis management? No...Just production.

Goddess

'We will not be disarmed by gun control! We will not be stripped naked and left at the mercy of a tyrannical government!'

"But I use all of them!"

'Damn, I knew that disabled access would be our undoing.'

"Young Montague's full of himself."

"If we're musketeers, why can't we just shoot people? with muskets?"

'And you said he'd shoot his eye out with a BB Gun!'

Gladstone ignoring Russian atrocities not suited to his party's political purposes

Knight school.

TOXIC TIMES

"Relax, Marge! I'm sure the folks at 'Ultimate Pirate Adventures'. . ."

Emperor Trump gives a thumbs down to a polar bear

The dead sea scrolls

'Of course, it's your business, but I wouldn't ever start a resume with 'Once upon a time in a land far far away!''

"No, I'm sorry, we're looking for special people."

'I am prosecuting you for a breach of article 5 of the explosives act, storing black powder in a dangerous manor on unlicensed premises.'

"Is it just me or are wagon wheels smaller than they used to be?"

'And we're just a stone's throw from the beach.'

"He had help. There were architecture specialists, costume specialists, angel specialists..."

"God, I hate theme dinners."

Mischevious wife with husband in uniform

'Your task will be to save the castle from catapulted rocks.'