Higher Education Staff Gifts

"This year the endowed chair will go to whomever pulls the sword from the stone."

I've always wanted to quit while I was ahead but the opportunity never presented itself.

"Worst case of month-end burnout I ever saw."

Mario Draghi

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

Academic Idol - 'Professor Johannsen's paper was zippy. It had robust vocabulary and I almost felt that I could dance to it. I would give it a 7.'

He may have a PH.D in elementary particle physics, but he's having an awful lot of trouble with the application form.

Continuing education.

Interdisciplinary studies.

"The meeting will last until lunch, or hell freezes over, whichever is longer."

Procrastinator Foumdation: 'We're putting off the decision to fund you for at least another month...'

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

"This statement from your headmaster says that you can easily get a good degree...your bank manager says you can't."

"I want a top education, but don't milk me dry with school fees."

All Hail the Matriarchy

"Political Science... that's in the Department of Performing Arts."

'Our goal is to stress di-versity while remaining a uni-versity.'

"I've always wanted an empire of Distance Learning Campuses."

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

'So you have a PhD, big deal, everyone working here has one! The question is, what can you really do?'

'On your marks. Get set. Go!' - 'Come on! Keep going! You can do it!' - 'Yay! You're 8 hours closer to the grave!' - 'Oh, God.'

Our college is tuned to the students' every need! Campus Visits. We have body image awareness week. Safe sex awareness week. Bullying, drug use and tolerance awareness weeks. What did I miss? Welcome. History, math or English awareness week? Great idea. I'll suggest that.

"A simple note from your mother would have sufficed, Tommy."

"I'd like to change my major from dental to mental."

'We finished all the repairs in the cafeteria kitchen this morning, but the food still tastes lousy.'

Academic Jeopardy - "The great unknowns and cosmic uncertainties of the universe are reduced by this number daily."

'I sense we might be having a problem with our appointment scheduling.'

'This scholarship application is great. You must have received an A in creative writing.'

Football team discussions.

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

"The state of graduates literacy levels is shoking and both my colleegs agrree that there maths isn't much better."

The suggestion box.

Man in office, desk covered in computer equipment, uses floor for photos, desk pads etc.