Higher Education Reform Strategist Gifts

"The University has to stop regarding students as empty vessels desperate to be filled with the fruits of human learning... and more as potential profit centres."

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

"Can you change this quiz grade from an A to a C? I like to keep expectations low until I blow my parents' mind by acing the final exam."

'What's play?'

"I have a recurring nightmare that I've taken a test, and the professor won't give me an 'A'."

'Your classroom management techniques work in practice but not in theory. That worries me.'

"Is there any way I could get a dashboard instead of a report card?"

'The reason the core curriculum seems so ambiguous is that we dot really have a core curriculum.'

"Coronavirus, masks requirements, falling test scores, student violence - we need to be able to pray in school!"

Budget

"We've created a safe, nonjudgmental environment that will leave you child ill-prepared for real life."

"In my class, I'm not interested in grades. I'm interested in you becoming a better person!"

'Lessons have been learned.'

"In this one, references to everything have been deleted."

'Child labor laws don't apply to homework, Jimmy.'

'I wasn't playing hooky -- I was fleeing the deteriorating public school system.'

6th Grade Do-You-Own Research Fair

"Congratulations! It's a pass."

New dunce caps

"Hold it right there! Our legislature is currently considering new measures to protect children from the insidious ravages of cell phones in schools!"

'Exams were harder before the Renaissance.'

'In the future, everyone will have fifteen minutes of tenure.'

'The trouble with education is everyone knows how to teach, but nobody knows how to learn.'

'I gave up hope of receiving a Genius Grant years ago. Now I'm basically shooting for the less impressive Mediocrity Grant.'

'A restaurateur prepares macaroni and sells it as pasta. I want you to do the same for the educational program at your school.'

The Church of DanaeDanaeism: 'Intellectual bigotry...Go ahead, blaspheme my holy scriptures, the media loves it...'

"I'm holding George back this year because he's failed to forge a personal style."

"Poverty is a social disease and it's not covered by your health insurance"

"No textbooks. I'm strictly Web-fed."

'Please help, ma'am. I need support to write my Ph.D. dissertation on 'Successful fund-raising techniques'.'

"Buy stock in a college?...I don't think you can...but why would we?"

"Maybe school's a good thing... I mean...where else do hundreds of people with similar backgrounds come together under one roof...all following a daily routine...with guidance and supervision to better themselves and society? Ya know...besides prison?"

The Hypocrisy of the Smoking Ban

SEX EDUCATION, 'It's a crazy idea, but it just might work.'

"What I do is create elegant solutions for problems that don't exist."