Higher Education Gifts

'If it's any consolation, our lack of business innovation will be the subject of analysis in some of the finest M.B.A. programs in the country.'

"And then after high school, I spent twelve years in college and majored in procrastination."

'Can I choose which brick you name after me?'

Display of graduation cards labeled: over $10,000 in loans; over $25,000 in loans; over $50,000 in loans; over $100,00 in loans

'In the future, everyone will have fifteen minutes of tenure.'

Football team discussions.

"My goal is to major in something that won't become obsolete in four years."

'That concludes the list of students with outstanding grades. And now for those of you with outstanding student loan payments...'

'Good news Mom. I was accepted to the college of your choice.'

"I never graduated from college. I got caught cheating on my ethics exam."

'I was working on my online degree, until my computer went on sabbatical.'

You're in the Engineering Quad, Just Back Away Slowly and Find the Humanities Quad.

'I'm just calculating the probability of my getting tenure in this university.'

The Artificial Intelligentsia

'We've got pretty much everything we need except someone to pay for college.'

"Now that my college of choice no longer requires the SAT, I'm relying more than ever on grade inflation."

You got into the college of my choice, and I got into the college of your choice. Now if we could just work something out...

'Wow, that sounds rigorous. What are the prerequisites for living in my mom's basement?'

'Where do you see yourself not getting tenure in seven years?'

"We're from Student Loans—we came to repo your B.A."

"...This is the only way I can get though college!"

"That reminds me - we need to start saving for college."

Micklebar knew more about something than anyone else, but he's forgotten what it is.

'How could it have been rough for you back in Pharmacy school, Dad? You only had penicillin and aspirin.'

'I started going to school with Mary and loved it so much I kept on going and ended up with a PhD...'

'I had just assumed the college alumni solicitation letters would stop up here.'

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

'What's the point of being guaranteed an education if I'm not guaranteed a job.'

Brown - But My First Choice Was Yale.

'When I call your name, step forward to receive your certificate of overqualification.'

"Buy stock in a college?...I don't think you can...but why would we?"

'...... in sickness and in health, through the long lean years before tenure or perhaps no tenure, for better of for worse ......'

'Hello mum, could you wash my riot gear for me..?'

Continuing education.

'I wouldn't say the cost of his education is all wasted, dear. He's learning to mix with other people.'