Helmetless Historian Gifts

'If you're going to keep reminding them how you used to ride on the main thoroughfare without a helmet, at least make it sound like you regret it.'

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

At the Museum

"If we only used bigger clubs we would defeat our enemies every time, and we would dominate them forever!"

"Any questions?"

"Is this the best investment strategy you could come up with?"

'Dewey! Grandpa's stuck again. Give him a couple of whacks upside the head.'

Archimedes statue with a lever

'I think I'll stay in and try to catch up on my reading.'

'How do you like my fantasy weekend so far?'

"Milk, butter, bread - all past the expiration date. either he just hadn't noticed before, or his time machine worked."

He looks so natural lying there...

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

'When we bought this place we thought we'd only be making wine. Apparently, we're also into spirits.'

Frank and Ernie's Lesser Known History. Lemonade. Custer's first stand.

Pun on Excalibur - Swiss Army knife appears from the lake.

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: The Pied Piper

'This 'Hamlet' thing you're working on... Do you think you could write in a part for Lady Godiva?!'

Gladstone Gives Disraeli a Bloody Nose over Schleswig-Holstein

Famous Pieces of Paper

"... No, when I say, 'you must let go of the past' I mean you must return that vase to the museum you took it from."

"R.V. Lintel- Inventor of Polyroc

A caveman attempting to make a cart

"Have you noticed how climate change looks and feels the same as colonialism?"

Egyptian Library: 'Every week you take out the same book, Anubis.'

Clearing up medals.

"My book is actually about 12th century Etruscan pottery but I thought it might sell better if I aimed it at the children's market."

'I never rule out any negotiating tool!'

Scottish Independence: The Union Jock.

Margaret Cavendish

Ferdinand von Zeppelin

On a school trip to a museum, a child takes the head of a horse statue and runs through the museum with it.

Mummy has set up a pulley system in his sarcophagus.

Bullsheviks.

"Mr. Crusoe, you have some heft overdue fines."