Helmetless Historian Gifts

'If you're going to keep reminding them how you used to ride on the main thoroughfare without a helmet, at least make it sound like you regret it.'

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

At the Museum

"Any questions?"

"If we only used bigger clubs we would defeat our enemies every time, and we would dominate them forever!"

"Is this the best investment strategy you could come up with?"

'Dewey! Grandpa's stuck again. Give him a couple of whacks upside the head.'

Archimedes statue with a lever

'I think I'll stay in and try to catch up on my reading.'

'How do you like my fantasy weekend so far?'

"Milk, butter, bread - all past the expiration date. either he just hadn't noticed before, or his time machine worked."

He looks so natural lying there...

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

'When we bought this place we thought we'd only be making wine. Apparently, we're also into spirits.'

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: The Pied Piper

Pun on Excalibur - Swiss Army knife appears from the lake.

'This 'Hamlet' thing you're working on... Do you think you could write in a part for Lady Godiva?!'

Famous Pieces of Paper

Gladstone Gives Disraeli a Bloody Nose over Schleswig-Holstein

"... No, when I say, 'you must let go of the past' I mean you must return that vase to the museum you took it from."

"R.V. Lintel- Inventor of Polyroc

A caveman attempting to make a cart

"Have you noticed how climate change looks and feels the same as colonialism?"

Scottish Independence: The Union Jock.

"My book is actually about 12th century Etruscan pottery but I thought it might sell better if I aimed it at the children's market."

Egyptian Library: 'Every week you take out the same book, Anubis.'

Ferdinand von Zeppelin

Clearing up medals.

Margaret Cavendish

On a school trip to a museum, a child takes the head of a horse statue and runs through the museum with it.

'I never rule out any negotiating tool!'

Mummy has set up a pulley system in his sarcophagus.

Bullsheviks.

'Don't you have any maps of undiscovered secrets of ancient temples?'

"This is your great-great-great grandfather Luis. He met your great-great-great-grandmother at the store where she worked. He was there to buy a lawn mower! She sold him a sheep. They hadn't invented law mowers."