Haunted Historian Gifts

'When we bought this place we thought we'd only be making wine. Apparently, we're also into spirits.'

"Yes, I'm reading a book on paranormal phenomena. Why do you ask?"

"To be honest, I don't believe in ghosts."

Archimedes statue with a lever

Halloween may be a little different this year.

Out To Lurch

Ghost School.

"Milk, butter, bread - all past the expiration date. either he just hadn't noticed before, or his time machine worked."

He looks so natural lying there...

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

"Will thee not sayeth uncle?!"

The End of the World is postponed from 2000 to 2112.

When the Job Market Shifts, Always Remember That It's All Your Fault

Pun on Excalibur - Swiss Army knife appears from the lake.

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: The Pied Piper

'This 'Hamlet' thing you're working on... Do you think you could write in a part for Lady Godiva?!'

"Gentlemen, on my signal, walk ten paces, turn around, and try to remember why you came out here."

"... No, when I say, 'you must let go of the past' I mean you must return that vase to the museum you took it from."

"Stay back from the edge. Remember what happened to the last angel that fell.

"I'm the ghost of Christmas Tree Future, and honestly, it doesn't turn out well for you."

'Right - I'm going to sue the water company!'

"R.V. Lintel- Inventor of Polyroc

Monster Realtor

A caveman attempting to make a cart

'Repossessed? No, I said it was possessed.'

"My book is actually about 12th century Etruscan pottery but I thought it might sell better if I aimed it at the children's market."

'It mostly scares the realtors.'

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: The Graeae

"Architectural Digest calls it 'Twilight chic.'"

Scottish Independence: The Union Jock.

'He's not there at the moment so please leave a message.'

"Okay, so the current occupants are being tormented by supernatural forces, but they do agree to pay closing costs."

Wine...Spirits...

'How about if we choose teams based on who has the coolest stamp collection.'

Mummy has set up a pulley system in his sarcophagus.