Heirloom Hoarder Gifts

Antiques: Priceless artifacts, now reduced to pricey.

'It's genuine 17th century satsuma - and the pair would have been worth ?14,000.'

Things my vacuum likes to suck up

"Look at their faces! What did they expect? They never visited her! Of course the will says her money goes to the cat shelter. . ."

"Forget the harps, we can spend Eternity in there."

Bobbies library of jeans

"It was her mothers"

"I often consult with a higher authority... my grandmother."

"And to my son Frank, I leave my greenhouse in the country."

'I SAID you'd threatened to throw them out once too often!'

"There's a house-plant round here somewhere."

"One fine day my son, all this will be yours."

"One day this will all be yours to sell off to the highest bidder."

"It belonged to my great... great creepy Uncle Edgar."

'Times are hard so these will have to be presents for Christmas and birthday combined!'

James Russell Lowell

'Millers said they travelled through Europe? Nonsense! All of their souvenirs have little tags reading 'Made in China'!'

"Someday son, this will be all oars."

Leap Heir

"I found grandpa's old cough!"

"I don't want to be an alarmist, but there's a dumpster in the driveway."

"One fine day my son, this will all be yours!"

'Still saving money to finish that nose job eh?'

"Harold wanted to make sure no one takes his chair while we're on holiday."

"Sorry, but the will clearly stipulates that Rex gets the vintage squeaky-toy collection..."

'Get her to sign a pre-nup: You don't want to give her half your treasure if it ends up in a divorce...'

'Someday, son, this can be all yours.'

'Undamaged, it would have been worth a small fortune...'

'Someday, all this will be yours.'

'Yes Ma'am, I do pick up unwanted hives.'

"Son, take this watch. My father stole it from an Englishman and I'm sick of taking heat from interpol."

"Wait a minute - you're Ellie Pobursky, the famous handbag designer!"

'I see you've laid up for yourselves treasures in heaven. Is this some sort of tax dodge?'