Heirloom Hoarder Gifts

Antiques: Priceless artifacts, now reduced to pricey.

'It's genuine 17th century satsuma - and the pair would have been worth ?14,000.'

"Look at their faces! What did they expect? They never visited her! Of course the will says her money goes to the cat shelter. . ."

Things my vacuum likes to suck up

"Forget the harps, we can spend Eternity in there."

Bobbies library of jeans

"I often consult with a higher authority... my grandmother."

"It was her mothers"

"And to my son Frank, I leave my greenhouse in the country."

"This house has been in my family for a considerable period of time."

"There's a house-plant round here somewhere."

'I SAID you'd threatened to throw them out once too often!'

"One day this will all be yours to sell off to the highest bidder."

"One fine day my son, all this will be yours."

"It belonged to my great... great creepy Uncle Edgar."

'Times are hard so these will have to be presents for Christmas and birthday combined!'

James Russell Lowell

'Millers said they travelled through Europe? Nonsense! All of their souvenirs have little tags reading 'Made in China'!'

"Someday son, this will be all oars."

Leap Heir

"I don't want to be an alarmist, but there's a dumpster in the driveway."

'Still saving money to finish that nose job eh?'

"I found grandpa's old cough!"

"One fine day my son, this will all be yours!"

"He didn't leave much - just a lot of unanswered questions..."

"I daresay you can't wait to get your hands on my royal teapot collection."

"Harold wanted to make sure no one takes his chair while we're on holiday."

'Someday, son, this can be all yours.'

'Get her to sign a pre-nup: You don't want to give her half your treasure if it ends up in a divorce...'

"Sorry, but the will clearly stipulates that Rex gets the vintage squeaky-toy collection..."

'Undamaged, it would have been worth a small fortune...'

'Someday, all this will be yours.'

"Wait a minute - you're Ellie Pobursky, the famous handbag designer!"

'Yes Ma'am, I do pick up unwanted hives.'

'I see you've laid up for yourselves treasures in heaven. Is this some sort of tax dodge?'