Heartbeat Humorist Gifts

'Hey, Lori! Take a look at Mr. Geckler's EKG!'

'The bad news is that we've detected an irregular heartbeat. The good news is that the rhythm is irresistible!'

'Our sales have been uneven but our company has heart.'

"The last time I heard a beat like that was at a Grateful Dead concert."

The heart is like a drum kit, Mr. Fusco. I should be hearing paradiddles. Yours seems to be throwing in the occasional rim shot for comedic effect.

"Tick, tick, tick..."

'Doctor Corazon, I'm in love with you. You make my right ventricle go pitter-patter.'

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

"And as soon as he's on the mend,we'll get the physiotherapist in here with a ball of twine."

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

Lactose Intolerant

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

"The first one's just a warning."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

PSA Banter.

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

Cardiac Recovery.

'I feel like exercising. Have you seen my tennis shoes?'

'No, Mr. Simmons, your MR images aren't in yet. We have older equipment, which takes a little longer to process.'

Providing Healthcare For All

'But they told me to take her down to theatre...'

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'