Heartbeat Counter Gifts

Hypochodriac worrying about his heart.

'We must be 50,000 calories away from home by now.'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

Secretive Weigh In.

"I hope that's low calorie eye of newt."

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

All Natural Nothing

"When portions are this huge, I eat half now and the rest in a few minutes."

"I hate it when the damned things decide they need to get out and burn off some calories."

"Are these prices?" "No, that's our Calorie-fixe menu."

"I want to leave myself some caloric margin of error for dessert."

7 brownies worth of exercise.

'For the first 500 calories of what we are about to receive, make us truly thankful.'

'I won't tell my thighs if you don't..'

'Diet considerations.'

Mobile phones and long distance relationships,

"If we crunch the numbers, it should have zero calories."

Dieting Motivation.

Sisyphus Sawyer

'I'm putting you on a 'whatever tastes good, don't eat it' diet.'

"I eat a totally plant-based diet and I still can't lose weight."

Extra Rich Cream Cakes

'Good. Then there's no reason to stay on this diet any longer.'

'I'll have one regular cheese-burger from column 'A', and one negative-calories cheese-burger from column 'B'.'

Weight Loss Counselor, out for a 400 calorie lunch.

Dinosaurs ponder fad dieting prior to extinction.

'I'm sorry but I have to let you go, we're all drinking 2%.'

'This exotic dessert I make is guilt-free. I already burned all the calories running around finding the ingredients!'

"Would you buy the apple pie for me? I'm on the 'No You Don't!' Diet."

'Do we have any empty calories in this house!!'

I've been told I can order a small mocha. Told? Because of my heart rate and activity level over the past seven days, I've been allotted a daily limit of 1,426 calories. I'm told that's just enough to include one small mocha. Hold on … there's vibrating ... Hold on ... hold on ... buffering ... Bing! Fitness overlords says I'm one calorie away from a medium mocha. It says yelling burns one calorie. I've got to get that app.

Joe's Weight Gain: 'Hey, Victoria...I like this diet you told me about yesterday...I just lost 2 more while we've been talking.'

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.