Heart-mended Humorist Gifts

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

Self help acupuncture

Clown on bike.

"Repent" "Give alms" "Resist temptation" "Pray for me" "Fasting" "Acts of service" "Sacrifice" "Abstain" "You are ashes" "You are dust" "No meat"

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

What's that? - 'It's a mosquito bite.' - 'Scratch it!' - 'No, I need to buy some cream.' - 'Make it bleed!!!' - 'Gahhh!!!' -

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

"He was the one everyone called 'The Greatest.' Then one day, a stranger turned up in town."

'What was that?!' 'A 'Mach'-ing bird.'

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

Clown Cheering Up Patient.

'I'm going to have an out-of-body experience -- can I bring you anything?'

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Today: Yogurt Surprise. We call it "yogurt surprise" because we couldn't read the expiration date on the carton.

Welcome Association of Stage Builders.

"Honey, have you seen my onions?"

'The funny part is that the aerial was fine -- the TV set was just unplugged!'

"Feel my claw of death!"

Three kids in a trench coat, twenty years later.

"Thank you! That last tune took some fancy fingerpickin'. Apologies to those in the front who may have gotten a press - on nail or two in their drink."

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

'Best watchdog I ever had!'

Phoenix

The Last upper: Novus Ordo Style

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

Barman In Love.

OFA. Onion Farmer of the Year. I told myself I wasn't going to cry ….

'Then it's settled. We'll make 7 million with blue handles, 5 million with red handles, 4 million with purple handles and 2 million with green handles.'

300 cows in a field...grazing!

'Damn, I'm out of earshot!'

'The guy at the end of the bar, would like to know if he can get you to buy him another drink?'

Brian the dog#3 - Brian now realised he was NOT man's best friend.

"Roadkill cookies"

'Like you, I don't know why they feed us every day, but as long as they do it, I'll stay...'