Healthcare Storyteller Gifts

'Despite all these changes in modern society, a prolapse is still a prolapse.'

"So does F***** you f**** in a c****** mean you were generally HAPPY with your treatment or that you can see some SLIGHT room for improvement?"

"How do I get Nurse Jenkins to stop saying 'I told you so'?"

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"Remember when we had to get along on twenty-one dollars a month!"

"You're sick of this? Just try to imagine how we feel."

'Is there a chance you will die under the anaesthetic? Well, that is the killer question.'

"The biopsy on your mole came back negative, which is positive, which is good."

'It's a brand new state-of-the-art waiting room.'

"I finally have an ailment that isn't so bad that I'm worried, but bad enough for me to complain about constantly"

"According to the chart you've either stabilised or flatlined."

"They used to call them G.P.s."

'The doctors ruled out a remarkable recovery. You'll get better, they just don't think it'll be all that remarkable.'

'I've been fixed even though there wasn't anything wrong with me.'

"I think your problem is heartbeat-from-mouth syndrome."

"We at MEGAPHARMA are 100% behind the benefits of 'talking therapies' which is why we've developed MEGAZYMOLIN to enhance the experience..."

An aspiring magician as well as a top notch surgeon, Dr.Curmbott always tried the old tablecloth trick after each operation.'

'I've got a patient who needs to chat to someone...Have you got anyone who's completed the 'verbal communication with patients in a personal, supportive but not disempowering' course?'

'Is there a doctor in the house we can trust?'

"Remember the hierarchy of competence - see one, do one, teach one, become a regulator."

Hospital: Accident and Emergency and On Purpose and Suffering Nicely.

'It appears you've arrived here because of some medical gobbledygook, so, to put it simply, you can now go home.'

'Be careful, Doctor Trefz, she doesn't like men!'

'I don't want surgery...can you just touch up the x-rays?'

"And he can make 347,000 home visits in one night!"

'Yours is an elective surgery, so we're still deciding if we feel like doing it or not.'

Overworked doctors in need of sleep

'I need you to open wide, Peel.' - 'Ahhh.' - 'Not your mouth, fool! Your wallet.' - 'Arghhh!' - 'Wider!' - 'Argh!'

"How did it go? Read my blog."

Hospital

"I'm going to check out a couple of antiques." "Good luck with your breast exam."

'As far as I'm concerned all this talk of 'privatisation' is just a lot of media hype!'

"A low-level person who doesn't mean anything will see you now."

"Side effects include less visits by the grim reaper."

Elderly man on phone in bed - 'Press 1 if you have bed sores, Press 2 if you need to go to the toilet...'