Healthcare Cost Humor Gifts

"My Alzheimers doctor. What can I do?"

Heart surgeon tastooing patients heart with "Love".

'OK, the old one's in my right hand, the donor's in my left. Rght?'

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

"Sometimes I wonder why I spent ten years at medical school and another 20 honing my skills..."

'Nurse, I said x-ray, not microwave.'

"You need the toilet. . . hang on I think I've got an app for that."

"I don't leave home without it!"

Dr. Flagg's Worst Nightmare

'Hi, I'm Dr.Jones. Sorry about my little prank, but it saves us a fortune in enemas.'

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

"I think you may have your gown on back to front."

'I think it's your colon. I came to that conclusion through the process of elimination.'

I don't care what happened on ER. This doctor patient relationship is not going to descend into unbridled passion.

"The doctor will now glance in passing at you."

"Yes, I have seen people in worse health than you. But, they were all dead."

An allergist sneezing

'Yes doctor, it did hurt when you did that!'

'I'm referring you to a specialist who isn't as afraid to die as I am.'

'I'd like to be fed intravenously. I've heard about your hospital food!'

Reflex Testing -"...and you're sure you can't feel it"

"Actually, I didn't become dizzy and nauseous until I started inhaling the scent strips in the waiting room magazines."

"He's our newest partner, we can't afford to be as selective as we used to be."

'Doctor, I thought I was the one who was supposed to say Ahh.'

"Sorry Mr Penrose. We forgot to shake your medicine this morning."

"I'd say it's a fungal infection."

Be careful how you unwrap it I think it MIGHT be his stool sample!

'I'm referring you to a doctor with better attorneys.'

'I should warn you, I charge double if you want me to examine both of them, Mrs. Jacobs.'

NHS Trust Hospital: Management Team/Medical Staff

'Mrs. Tomkins says her prescription has no side effects, so it can't be doing her any good.'

'And out hospital has rooms...lots of rooms, and some beds, and we've got stairs.'

'We've noticed just about every patient you've tested has elevated blood pressure.'