Healthcare Conversationalist Gifts

"I finally have an ailment that isn't so bad that I'm worried, but bad enough for me to complain about constantly"

"The biopsy on your mole came back negative, which is positive, which is good."

"I'll have to go now, Penny. My boyfriend keeps wittering on about something or other!"

'Oh...the IRS called. Something about an audit. I told them we weren't interested.'

"My main worry is my anxiety."

'You used to be a living legend. Now you're a living has been.'

'I've got a patient who needs to chat to someone...Have you got anyone who's completed the 'verbal communication with patients in a personal, supportive but not disempowering' course?'

NHS Very Direct: 'You have a terminal illness and are going to die. Thanks for your call.'

FLu jabs delayed for third year running...'GP's are always saying they want more consistency, less change...So we haven't changed ANYTHING for three years!'

"I was on a roll at first. Then, things began to unravel, and my life just went down the drain."

"Sick? No. Everything is fine. We're all just under the weather."

"How did it go? Read my blog."

"How do I get Nurse Jenkins to stop saying 'I told you so'?"

"I'm going to check out a couple of antiques." "Good luck with your breast exam."

"You've been avoiding me." "Have not, Uncle Mort." "For weeks, you've been dashing out of rooms as soon as I entered." "Coincidence." "What about when I knocked on your door yesterday and you jumped out the back window?" "Look, Uncle Mort, I just didn't want to go through what I went through in 1994." "I was just going to say one thing about the 30th anniversary of the OJ Simpson 'trial of the century!'" "You would think the 'trial of the century' would've been the Nuremberg trials!"

"I've got a patient who needs to chat to someone...Have you got anyone who's completed the 'verbal communications with patients in personal, supportive but not disempowering course?"

"Hopefully my body language tells you all you need to know."

'OK! I'LL talk!'

Angler management

'No, I don't think Dr. Williams will be mad because you came to me for a second opinion, but I'm mad because you didn't come to me first.'

'Gout.'

'Hello, is that the government? Yes, I was just wondering... is the lambada still forbidden?'

“I think you’ve had enough.”

Do you cover broken noses...

"Your symptoms are complex...perhaps I could explain things in terms you can understand."

You should be clear and tell patients that Doctor Jones has an encyclopedic knowledge of diseases, not that he is "ill-informed."

'I've moved from being vegetarian to a dairy free Paleo diet...'

'Despite all these changes in modern society, a prolapse is still a prolapse.'

'Quality patient care is all about clear compassionate communications...was that less than 140 characters?'

My cell phone minutes don't roll over and I don't want to waste them. That's why I'm dialling random numbers and wishing everyone a good day.

"So does F***** you f**** in a c****** mean you were generally HAPPY with your treatment or that you can see some SLIGHT room for improvement?"

"There's very little of this going around? Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

"Sorry, sir, you'll have to hang on some more, but I'm going to advance you to priority-hold status."

"With 1 being the lowest, and 10 being the highest, could you rate the pain of your headache?"

"Hello, reception? Can you tell me how I am this morning and whether I had a comfortable night?"