Healthcare Chuckle Gifts

"If I need to stop smoking and lose weight...what are you going to do about it?"

Heart surgeon tastooing patients heart with "Love".

'OK, the old one's in my right hand, the donor's in my left. Rght?'

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

'Nurse, why is there always a fly in my ointment?'

"Sometimes I wonder why I spent ten years at medical school and another 20 honing my skills..."

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

Kid with plaster cast being sawn off.

"These are my fish cymbalta, otezla, skyrizi, vraylar and stelara!"

'Time for your pills.'

'Nurse, I said x-ray, not microwave.'

"You need the toilet. . . hang on I think I've got an app for that."

"I don't leave home without it!"

The importance of paying attention in med school.

Dr. Flagg's Worst Nightmare

"We can give you enough medication to alleviate the pain, but not enough to make it fun."

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

'Snap out of it.'

'This could be a very expensive operation — I'm going to refer you to the Federal Government.'

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

"I didn't say he's dying from choking. I said he's killing us with his joking."

"Norton! Put that back at once!"

'Have you heard about the new Medicare drug plan called plan C? Medicare gives you $30 for a bus ticket to Canada!'

"I think you may have your gown on back to front."

'I think it's your colon. I came to that conclusion through the process of elimination.'

'The Doctor says you can be discharged - so I've brought you a list of jobs you can do when you get home!'

'Like I said - It's non invasive surgery.'

I don't care what happened on ER. This doctor patient relationship is not going to descend into unbridled passion.

"The doctor will now glance in passing at you."

'You need some stress.'

'You do have catastrophic insurance, but it only applies in case of invasion from outer space.'

Flyingdoctor's receptionist.

"... And who asked for your opinion, I'd like to know?!"

"Yes, I have seen people in worse health than you. But, they were all dead."

An allergist sneezing