Health Worriers Pillows

Hypochondriac.

To Doctor Goggle and Nurse Alexa. . . 'Thanks for Nothing!'

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Exercising

As a rule, all surprise parties start out with good intentions.

"....H....5....N...1...???You got me.... but I'm sure it spells trouble."

Cheer up-things aren't so bad.....

Gym. It doesn't help when you call the ab workout a "journey to the center of the girth."

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

"Do you cover hypochondria?"

"I made a list of all my symptoms. Lost the list. Can't remember any of my symptoms now."

"First you leave me in the waiting room for two hours before I can see you... then you tell me I've got to watch my blood pressure!"

'...And my thirty-seventh symptom....'

"I forget. If I have an adverse reaction, do I call my doctor or my lawyer?"

New Ebola deaths in Sierra Leone

"Well your results would be normal if you were a 108 and smoked a 60 a day!"

'Remember your blood pressure, dear!...the Dr, warned about anything that would anger you, like this divided congress and their inability to compromise on things beneficial to the nation.'

'No, you haven't missed much. Pretty well everyone called in sick.'

'I'm so proud of you sweetie, you haven't smoked for a week!'

"It's probably just stress, but let's take a look. Open up and say, ARGGGH!!!"

'You're perfectly fit and healthy...but at your age...seriously, what's the point?'

'No booze, no red meat, easy on the carbs...I've given up living so I can live longer.'

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

Rule #1. Of what? HYPOCHONDRIACS HANDBOOK. A little passion project I'm working on; or, rather, I would be working on. I can't write or type wearing my protective anti-flu gear. Rule #1: Get some loser to take dictation for you. I hate where this is heading.

Expensive health care

"Health advice does change over time, but I doubt if we'll EVER be recommending a diet of pizza and beer."

"As a confirmed hypochondriac, I rely on placebos to get me through the day."

'Luckily you caught it in time while you're still alive to sue.'

"I'm going to have to make this quick, God. I just ask that you watch over me during my double knee replacement tomorrow."

"Will he be okay?"

'You have a harmless but highly irritating form of nervous disorder we call D.Y.I. - Diagnosing Yourself on the Internet.'

'I'm convinced I've got page 68 of my medical dictionary, doctor!'

"I'm sorry, but you've had it up to here."

Health MOT's will attract 'worried well': I've looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I've got ALL these life threatening illnesses.