Health Troll Gifts

"..Your analysis and medication would be perfect if you were a goat."

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'Cock-a-doodle-doo!' 'Cut back on the chicken soup.'

M.D. You burned a hole in your stomach --- eat only bland foods from now on! No more spicy food?! It's a season-ending injury!

How To Make A Pigs Ear Out Of Swine Flu.

"I've had a sore throat ever since we moved near the airport!"

'I'm prescribing a laxative pill and a sleeping pill. Never, never take them together.'

'I just came back from the allergist. I'm allergic to life.'

Maintenance & Repairs. No wonder health care is so expensive, they told me to take to tablets every four hours.

"It says here you've been experiencing peels of thunder�"

'If you're into preparing healthy meals then I recommend the apricot brandy. It contains the antioxidant beta carotene.'

'You can't call it a miracle drug just because you added miracle whip!'

'First of all, I'm taking you off the iron supplements.'

"You'll have to take this medication for the rest of your life, but don't worry it's non-addictive."

"You know our 'Never-Overwhelm-The-Reader' policy. Your story is irrelevant, trivial and stupid but not irrelevant, trivial and stupid enough."

'When I die could you preserve my liver for medical research? You've done that already.'

Hipness Replacement Surgery.

Miss Twaddle, cancel all my appointments.

You're going to give me a hay fever shot? Shouldn't I be getting an anti hay fever shot?

Energy Drinks

'Disease is inevitable. My advice is to find an illness you can live with...'

Witch making a brew with Gluten, Nuts, Trans Fats, BGH, GMOs...

'Another upsetting discovery from the world of nutrition: New studies indicate that the air itself is fattening...'

'...time you had your ears syringed?'

"I'm afraid a hearing aid will make me look old."

"Patient. . . seems. . . reluctant. . . to get his. . . prostate. . . checked. . ."

'The only way I had to get your attention was to send you that computer virus.'

"I missed my last appointment, because I was feeling poorly."

"If these don't make you feel better in a week you can come back here and kick my arse."

'Maybe I've got washboard abs underneath - you ever think that?'

Am I in good shape, Doc? If you think "spherical" is a good shape. (Published originally on January 9, 2014.)

You've probably heard of "White Coat Syndrome," the phenomenon in which patients exhibit a high blood pressure level in a clinical setting, even though they don't in other settings. Well, you won't get away with that here.