Health Troll Gifts

"..Your analysis and medication would be perfect if you were a goat."

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'Cock-a-doodle-doo!' 'Cut back on the chicken soup.'

How To Make A Pigs Ear Out Of Swine Flu.

"I've had a sore throat ever since we moved near the airport!"

'I'm prescribing a laxative pill and a sleeping pill. Never, never take them together.'

'I just came back from the allergist. I'm allergic to life.'

'If you're into preparing healthy meals then I recommend the apricot brandy. It contains the antioxidant beta carotene.'

'First of all, I'm taking you off the iron supplements.'

'You can't call it a miracle drug just because you added miracle whip!'

"You'll have to take this medication for the rest of your life, but don't worry it's non-addictive."

'When I die could you preserve my liver for medical research? You've done that already.'

"You know our 'Never-Overwhelm-The-Reader' policy. Your story is irrelevant, trivial and stupid but not irrelevant, trivial and stupid enough."

Hipness Replacement Surgery.

Miss Twaddle, cancel all my appointments.

'Another upsetting discovery from the world of nutrition: New studies indicate that the air itself is fattening...'

Energy Drinks

Witch making a brew with Gluten, Nuts, Trans Fats, BGH, GMOs...

You're going to give me a hay fever shot? Shouldn't I be getting an anti hay fever shot?

'Disease is inevitable. My advice is to find an illness you can live with...'

'...time you had your ears syringed?'

"I'm afraid a hearing aid will make me look old."

"Patient. . . seems. . . reluctant. . . to get his. . . prostate. . . checked. . ."

'The only way I had to get your attention was to send you that computer virus.'

"In my expert medical opinion, you are suffering from hypochondria."

'Maybe I've got washboard abs underneath - you ever think that?'

"If these don't make you feel better in a week you can come back here and kick my arse."

CITY CLINIC: 'I want to see whichever doctor is the fattest.'