Health Tip Ignorer Gifts

'Give me some sausages, I want to end it all.'

'Good news! Throwing yourself at the mercy of the cholesterol seems to have worked.'

'I believe we got your blood pressure back up to normal.'

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

"My doctor says you should be drawing more fruits and vegetables."

'I just came back from the allergist. I'm allergic to life.'

'According to Dr Alvin McDowell, everything that was good for you is now bad for you!'

"You were smart to come see, Mr. Lewis. These moles on your back definitely look suspicious."

Life Extension Journal.

'What can you give me for my liver?' 'A pound of onions!'

"I don’t care what you read on social media, I cannot prescribe chocolate mini eggs to help with your weight loss!"

The Diabetic Hummingbird Feeder

"In my expert medical opinion, you are suffering from hypochondria."

This is Dr. Sadie. What's your question, caller? How can I tell if my cold is really bronchitis? Stop yer sniveling. In my day, a body would hope it was bronchitis. It gave you a chance to prove your grit! Nothing like a touch of burning pain, wheezing, and crackling in the chest to separate the women from the girls. What kind of doctor are you, again?

"My doctor said I needed to go on a diet. . . Yes, to a new doctor!"

'These pamphlets will explain the procedure and these leaflets will explain the pamphlets.'

"We saw a movie about mononucleosis in health class. It was called, 'Germs of Endearment.'"

How to Keep the Doctors Guessing

'The doctor said I should cut down on my alcohol intake, so I've stopped eating wine gums.'

"How's the self-diagnosis coming?"

"Your next fattened kid could be your last."

"In health news, everything you thought was good for you is now bad for you."

It's an advice column. Eat your vegetables. Get to bed early. Dress warmly. Be prompt. Drink plenty of liquids.

'Drink a pint of water every two hours, and stay in bed for a week.'

"Stop complaining. If you hadn't spent all day in a donut shop you wouldn't have to lose 3.5 stones so we could lift off."

'I've got every disease in this book except hypochondria...'

"Dr. Garcia is ordering to make a lot of changes in my life."

"My complaint is RARE? - y'mean none of my friends have it?"

'It's supposed to be FIVE portions a day.'

"I'm afraid you have emphysema Mr Wolf"

'When I said to eat a varied diet I didn't just mean buying all 12 varieties of Krispysnax noodles!'

"With some rest, vitamins and mild exercise, that metal fatigue should clear up in just a few weeks!"

'A health report today warned skeptics, who take everything with a grain of salt, could result in abnormal hypertension. . .'

"I gave up red meat, but replaced it with extra caffeine and Gluten."

"It's nothing...probably something I just ate for dinner."