Health Tip Ignorer Pillows

'Give me some sausages, I want to end it all.'

'Good news! Throwing yourself at the mercy of the cholesterol seems to have worked.'

'I believe we got your blood pressure back up to normal.'

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

"My doctor says you should be drawing more fruits and vegetables."

'I just came back from the allergist. I'm allergic to life.'

'According to Dr Alvin McDowell, everything that was good for you is now bad for you!'

"You were smart to come see, Mr. Lewis. These moles on your back definitely look suspicious."

'What can you give me for my liver?' 'A pound of onions!'

"I don’t care what you read on social media, I cannot prescribe chocolate mini eggs to help with your weight loss!"

"In my expert medical opinion, you are suffering from hypochondria."

The Diabetic Hummingbird Feeder

"My doctor said I needed to go on a diet. . . Yes, to a new doctor!"

'These pamphlets will explain the procedure and these leaflets will explain the pamphlets.'

"We saw a movie about mononucleosis in health class. It was called, 'Germs of Endearment.'"

How to Keep the Doctors Guessing

"How's the self-diagnosis coming?"

"Your next fattened kid could be your last."

"In health news, everything you thought was good for you is now bad for you."

'Drink a pint of water every two hours, and stay in bed for a week.'

"My complaint is RARE? - y'mean none of my friends have it?"

'I've got every disease in this book except hypochondria...'

"Stop complaining. If you hadn't spent all day in a donut shop you wouldn't have to lose 3.5 stones so we could lift off."

"Dr. Garcia is ordering to make a lot of changes in my life."

"I'm afraid you have emphysema Mr Wolf"

'When I said to eat a varied diet I didn't just mean buying all 12 varieties of Krispysnax noodles!'

"With some rest, vitamins and mild exercise, that metal fatigue should clear up in just a few weeks!"

'A health report today warned skeptics, who take everything with a grain of salt, could result in abnormal hypertension. . .'

"I gave up red meat, but replaced it with extra caffeine and Gluten."

'I'm only a general practitioner - I'm going to have to bring in a field marshal practitioner.'

"It's nothing...probably something I just ate for dinner."