Health Mystery Lover Gifts

How to Keep the Doctors Guessing

"My complaint is RARE? - y'mean none of my friends have it?"

A Hypochondriac's Worst Nightmare

'Well, none of the other options worked, so we installed a power cord on him -- if he starts going haywire again just unplug him and wait 30 seconds.'

Paging for a Doctor

'I've been googling your condition and I'm afraid to say...I think I might have it myself.'

Dieting Motivation.

"Geoffrey's a bit worried about lyme disease."

"Who has removed the appendix from the medical text book?"

'I told you not to look up your ailments on the internet' - computer screen reads 'You have 3 days to live',

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

"Went in for a simple blood test and got cloned by mistake."

"Does it hurt when I do this?"

Guns won't help

"How am I supposed to trust my gut when it can't even handle a little dairy?"

"Do you have a family history of this condition?"

Illustrated Encyclopedia of Infectious Diseases

'When you suggest that I might want the second, third, or even the forth opinion...are you saying my condition is THAT bad?!'

"You were smart to come see, Mr. Lewis. These moles on your back definitely look suspicious."

'I have this constant ringing in my ears. I think I have tinnitus.' - 'Does it sound like an 'eeeeeee' or a 'shhhhh'?' - 'It's like the murmer of a thousand forgotten souls quietly lamenting past sorrows.' - 'Hmmm. I don't have a checkbox for that, sadly.

'I don't like the looks of this - there's nothing wrong.'

"You're this age and never had surgery? Aren't you curious?"

"Your tests look normal, but that's what the disease wants us to think."

'I believe it's 'feed a fever and starve a lawyer.''

'We operated just in time. Another two days and you have got better on your own.'

'I know dieting requires a change of lifestyle, Helen, but this is ridiculous!'

'I'll take #1.'

'Mr. Figgs - any door with doctor on it - knock-go in-smile-sit down-poor out your woes.'

'What is it now, Mister Hypochondriac?'

'The medical society says yes, the hospital says maybe and his lawyer says no.'

"Your husband's laryngitis will probably last another wee but your blood pressure is nothing short of miraculous."

'It's a clear case of dehydration.'

'Luckily you caught it in time while you're still alive to sue.'

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

'I'll have to do some tests, but I suspect you may have a sty in you eye.'