Medical Mystery Lovers Gifts

'So, you'd like a second opinion ...'

First Brain Transplant - Claim for Gross Negligence.

"Unfortunately, there's no cure—there's not even a race for a cure."

"Here...let me call an expert...someone who knows about these things."

"Your test results are in...now the interpretations can begin."

"It's interpret-your-own-test-results day today."

A Hypochondriac's Worst Nightmare

'Veins...arteries...I told you I can never tell one from another.'

"It's a list of possible side effects."

'Well, none of the other options worked, so we installed a power cord on him -- if he starts going haywire again just unplug him and wait 30 seconds.'

'The good news is that it's not your fault.'

Paging for a Doctor

"Who has removed the appendix from the medical text book?"

"Geoffrey's a bit worried about lyme disease."

'I've been googling your condition and I'm afraid to say...I think I might have it myself.'

'Have there been any side effects from the medicine?'

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

"Went in for a simple blood test and got cloned by mistake."

"Does it hurt when I do this?"

Hypochodriac worrying about his heart.

"I'm afraid we're going to have to remove your appendix."

'When you suggest that I might want the second, third, or even the forth opinion...are you saying my condition is THAT bad?!'

"You're sure it's a birthmark?"

Anti-Vaxer

"This patient must be really rich! He brought back the most extravagant illnesses from exotic holiday spots."

Illustrated Encyclopedia of Infectious Diseases

"Do you have a family history of this condition?"

'The doctors ruled out a remarkable recovery. You'll get better, they just don't think it'll be all that remarkable.'

"We'd like to start out being very involved with you but eventually be drawn away to much more interesting cases down the hall."

'I don't like the looks of this - there's nothing wrong.'

'I have this constant ringing in my ears. I think I have tinnitus.' - 'Does it sound like an 'eeeeeee' or a 'shhhhh'?' - 'It's like the murmer of a thousand forgotten souls quietly lamenting past sorrows.' - 'Hmmm. I don't have a checkbox for that, sadly.

"You're this age and never had surgery? Aren't you curious?"

'We can't determine if you're telling the truth, but you should have a doctor check your pressure.'

"I don't like the looks of that Spot on your lung."

'Mr. Figgs - any door with doctor on it - knock-go in-smile-sit down-poor out your woes.'