Medical Mystery Lovers Pillows

'I hate it when we operate on malpractice lawyers.'

'So, you'd like a second opinion ...'

Your test results are mixed, Mr. Fusco. You have the prostate of a man half you age, but three times your size.

First Brain Transplant - Claim for Gross Negligence.

"Unfortunately, there's no cure—there's not even a race for a cure."

"Here...let me call an expert...someone who knows about these things."

"Your test results are in...now the interpretations can begin."

Apothecary. Tell us what ails you. We'll concoct a chemical mix to dissolve in water which will fix you. Every problem has solution!

"It's interpret-your-own-test-results day today."

A Hypochondriac's Worst Nightmare

"It's a list of possible side effects."

'Veins...arteries...I told you I can never tell one from another.'

'Well, none of the other options worked, so we installed a power cord on him -- if he starts going haywire again just unplug him and wait 30 seconds.'

"Who has removed the appendix from the medical text book?"

'The good news is that it's not your fault.'

'I've been googling your condition and I'm afraid to say...I think I might have it myself.'

Paging for a Doctor

"Geoffrey's a bit worried about lyme disease."

'Have there been any side effects from the medicine?'

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

"Went in for a simple blood test and got cloned by mistake."

"Does it hurt when I do this?"

Hypochodriac worrying about his heart.

"I'm afraid we're going to have to remove your appendix."

"Do you have a family history of this condition?"

Illustrated Encyclopedia of Infectious Diseases

'When you suggest that I might want the second, third, or even the forth opinion...are you saying my condition is THAT bad?!'

Anti-Vaxer

"You're sure it's a birthmark?"

"This patient must be really rich! He brought back the most extravagant illnesses from exotic holiday spots."

'The doctors ruled out a remarkable recovery. You'll get better, they just don't think it'll be all that remarkable.'

"We'd like to start out being very involved with you but eventually be drawn away to much more interesting cases down the hall."

'I don't like the looks of this - there's nothing wrong.'

'I have this constant ringing in my ears. I think I have tinnitus.' - 'Does it sound like an 'eeeeeee' or a 'shhhhh'?' - 'It's like the murmer of a thousand forgotten souls quietly lamenting past sorrows.' - 'Hmmm. I don't have a checkbox for that, sadly.

"You're this age and never had surgery? Aren't you curious?"